Monday, May 18, 2009

I imagine the secret to writing a bestselling self-help book is just to keep notes of all the great advice you give yourself that you totally ignore. Let's go over some of these gems of wisdom-- free of charge, from me to you, because god knows I'm doing fucking nothing with them.

-When your feeling like you're not worth someone's attention, do something that gets you closer to being that totally kick-ass person that everyone wants to know. Learn an language. Exercise. Singing lessons. Dance.

Me? I have spent money on the Rosetta Stone software for French, Yoga Booty Ballet, Tae Bo, Richard Simmon's Sweatin' to the Oldies, Singing for Dummies, and a brand new pair of tap shoes. But, hell, wallowing is free, so why not?

-Text messaging is the devil. It really one of the all-time lowest forms of communication. "Hey, I don't feel comfortable enough with you, close friend of mine, to risk you answering the phone. But I wanted you to know I was thinking about you!" Over and over again. The dangers of text messaging are numerous: you never know what you're interrupting, and when somebody doesn't answer, you just know it's because they're in fucking Bali doing body shots off of the svelte natives, and my, what an exciting life they must have. And my, how pathetic you are. Furthermore, you never know when the conversation has ended, and if you're engaged in it-- and you are, namely because you aren't in Bali, you're home, and home sucks-- you're going to check your phone every five minutes for the rest of the day. Because they *could* get back to you any second.

I mean, they aren't going to, but they could.

Found yourself doing this? Take my advice right away-- delete that person's contact information. You'll still be able to respond to any texts sent directly to you, but you won't be able to initiate again and again and again. You'll hear from them eventually, when they realize how much the miss hearing from you twenty-six times a day. Really. Really.

Me? I edited the contact information so it reads "Don't." instead of the person's name. That's close, right?

-Keep in mind that however fantastic you are, there is nothing whatsoever compelling about someone who sits around waiting for someone else to make them feel fantastic. It's not sexy to prostrate yourself to the idea of someone else. The only thing that's going to stop you from being worth their time is sitting around, wondering whether or not you are.

...unless I'm not.

On with it.