All right, you jittery little housewives, it's time to give props to Leo Sternbach, a 95-year-old man Jewish man who fled to America during Hitler's reign, all in order to bring you what you need most in life: Valium.

Yes, it's valium's 40th birthday this year, a time for...relatively sedate celebration. In reverence of this event, I started doing some research about the miracle drug, but I got really tired about halfway through, and life's too beautiful to waste on research anyway, right? I love you. Let's sing!

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Valium
Honk-shoo, honk-shoo.

In a related story, it's the one-year anniversary of highly controversial gay marraige of Viagra and Benzocaine, a substance featured on many new condoms that helps to delay orgasm. In celebration, they're throwing a party for themselves, but since their homosexuality alienated them from so many of their friends and family members, they report that it will probably be a long, hard night, and they don't expect anyone to come.

On with it.