I am sad.

I am sad that I hurt so many people, that people can only seem to be the best possible thing for me at the worst possible time, that so many people have realized that what I am to them is pain, that I am utterly unable to just give myself to everyone who wants me.....people need commitment and singularity and to how many people can you be singularly committed?

Right now there are three people...well, let's include Andrew, four people that I know want to be with me. Andrew is the only one who is, and lately he's been getting far less than the rest of them. I can't be devoted to him because I have no idea what I want....I think what I want is....I don't know, something. Something that I could just continue to take on the pain and not do anything to them anymore. I love them. Albeit, in different ways, some more fulfilling than others, but....

Out of the four of them, Andrew is the only that is really geographically rational...but, to a cetain point, what does geography have to do with it? Two of the others are people with which I have already had relationships with, and the final....damn, I need to figure this bullshit out. I'm so tired of hurting people. Of going online and checking the status of my friends' well-being and finding that they are upset over me once again.

I went a while without checking the site of one of these, and I had missed some back posts that mentioned me. One, from a while ago, quoted extremely uplifting lyrics that called life a song. Lyrics he posted yesterday talked about a song ending. I guess I don't know what's really going through his mind, I don't know if he'd really tell me if I was hurting him.....I guess I don't really know anything.

A girl charishes the qualities about her that would make her capable of hurting people, but better ones than I are probably quick to stop abusing that as soon as possible. And it's getting so this is catching up with even me.

Maybe if I just start treating people like shit.


(Yes, for those of you who hadn't picked up on it, this is a post COMPLAINING about being loved. I am a jackass, what do you want from me?)
On with it.