I think my posting wanes because, for the first time in a long time, I actually have a secret. Generally, I'm an open person- you want to know the complete history of my mental disorders, which cartoon characters/teachers/inanimate objects I'm attracted to, or with which tools I masturbate? No problem! I'll post it online for you and the rest of the world!

Privacy is severely overrated.

Granted, there's plenty I don't say on here, but in general, that's for other people's benefit...or at least, my benefit so that I don't have to deal with their emotional reactions to what I say.

This time what I have to say is something that I'm keeping to myself for my sake....and one other person, but mostly me. And it's been consuming me lately. The only people who know, I believe, are Emily and Torrie, which has really opened up the lines of communication between me and Em- it's been a while since she's been exclusively privy to anything going on with me.

Saw her twice this weekend. It was nice.


Mr. Ladd asked about seeing me again tonight. This time I said he could sometime. I need a lot of things in life, and most of them are things that he can help me get to. Basically, though, my mind changed because of the secret- if I'm not going to lose anything because of it, it will be because I've worked damn hard to make things work out....yeah, see, the secret is already affecting the quality of this post! Damn it!

Soon, darlings, soon.

I miss Ben and Nick, especially together. There are few thigns in life more relaxing and fun than seeing either of them, and one of the them is seeing both of them at the same time. Between the hectic schedules or all three of us, and the lack of license or car on all our parts, I've only ever spent time with the both of them together twice, but both times were great. Once was at Nick's birthday party, with Chad there, too. I miss Chad as well, but I'm closer to Ben and Nick- not nessecarily by choice, but I find it rather difficult to maintain friendships with guys who don't have any sexual attraction to me in the slightest....probably because I seem to have the idea going for me that that's what I am- the village bicycle. If you don't want a ride, what the hell can I offer you?

If this theory doesn't make sense to you, I defy you to find a close male friend of mine that I've never had any sexual interaction with whatsoever. Elorza, that's about it. Which is probably why I spend so much damn time trying my hardest to figure out ways to do things for him...much the way I did with Jeremey. Jeremey and I never had any sexual interaction, either...aside from truth or dare in the seventh grade. And I probably think, somewhat subconsciously, that that is why I was useless to him, why he was able to leave. Why he didn't care about me at all. I never put out.

Nick's got a blog now. On thanksgiving, he talked of me as one of three of his friends who have never done anything truly wrong to him....I'm ashamed. I think I've done something to him, whether or not he would count it, and I think I've done similar bullshit to probably a lot of people. Whether or not I even realize it.

Had a sexual "encounter" with a guy who shall remain nameless over the Thanksgiving break and, mid-encounter, he started talking about how nice it was that neither of us was looking for any sort of involvement...then he sort of thought better of it and started warning me that I shouldn't look for an involvement with him, which was obscenely obvious, and I started laughing at it. I'm the one who does shit with people and has to warn them about it not leading to involvement. Thinking back on that now....maybe it shouldn't have been so obvious to me. I should probably be at a point in my life where I expect something to come of a kiss, or a touch, or various stages of undress, etc. Sort of sad...especially when one things back to how virginal I was my freshmen year. The most inexperienced person I knew.

All that said, I miss Ben, again. Ben and I would work really really fucking well in a relationship together, if only there were means of transportation. Without it, though, and with our libidos and morals working the way they do, we'd be apologizing to each other by the second time we saw each other as a couple. And probably every time after that. Or maybe we'd just be content not to tell each other of our emotional and physical involvements with various others, and not to know about them. Either way.....Ben's voice is amazing. It's soothing....he's soothing. He has a soothing personality. Damn, I love Ben. I miss Ben. Did I mention that?

I meant to be in bed by 10:30, comme toujours, and I have a visual to do for a project due tomorrow that I have no intention of doing until tomorrow morning, but I'll need to get up early to do it. So I'm gone....anticlimactically.

Oh, about earlier- I did go to bed...cried for about 45 minutes in bed listening to the wallflowers at full blast and got up again. Didn't lie though. That's once, anyway.

On with it~