Andrew was here tonight. After we came home from yet another pointless shopping spree with jenn that we were pressured into, as always, he announced his plans to attempt to find closure in a mystery relationship that ended years ago that no one knows anything about. He expects this to be a rather life-changing event, and he warned me that "if he came back from this and he was no longer the same person I fell half-in-love with, he would make it easy on me and break up with me."

He spent basically the rest of the night in his own thoughts, which was probably for the better, because neither of us were in that room. I was...probably a lot of places, more definitely one, and I layed my head on his leg and stared up as he sat in perfect posture and stared forward.

We were listening to Bon Jovi....when Bed Of Roses came on, I managed to catch his attention. I couldn't cry for it, I haven't cried, I don't think, since my crying streak ended, but I was so caught up in grief, and guilt, and histrionics so constant they've become real that I was shuddering. Shades of Jeff ran through my head, the way I held him before he left a few nights ago, lying on his floor tangled up in him, making a fool of myself in burger king with him, everything. If there's any one thing I need, it's him. And this sort of destroys me.

Jeff doesn't, and with any luck, will never occupy the part of my life that Andrew does. That's what Andrews for, they're definitively different things....but, god, who am I arguing with? I'm sick of writing things for other people's benefits...no matter how seldomly I do it. I need to turn to the journal I give Mr. Hall...there is nothing I don't tell Mr. Hall, I miss his praise being part of my life.

This is from a couple nights ago, when I saw Jeff, but it hasn't let me post anything for a few days.
"Watch TNT. Observe Harry and Sally from "When Harry Met Sally", which will undoubtedly be at least once if you check periodically every two hours for a day. Begin to understand why I love Jeff so much.

"I love that I after I spend a day with you, I can still smell my perfume on my clothing, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night."
-Part of the "why I'm in love with you speech" that Harry tells Sally

All except the part where Harry and Sally fall in love at the end, that movie is almost flawless representation of our relationship. I have seen him tonight, and it was blissful- we spent the night lying on each other on his floor, as we always do- we spurn needless furniture arrange ourselves, awkwardly shifting then and again, only getting up for trips to the bathroom or to get my soda. Every now and then, when conversation lags, I find some reason to attempt to kick his ass and lose every time. Laying against him, smelling his aroma in his skin and clothing, feeling the trust to give him the keys to my vulnerability and let him take the wheel for a while....nothing in life is better.

No, I am not in love with him, but I cannot think of anything that would make being in love with someone better than our relationship. I used to reserve the idea of being in love because I thought, for sure, that something must be beyond that, there must be another step. I didn't want to settle for the idea of true love being anything I had already felt. The reason I say that I am not in love with Jeff is, however, not because of that, but because I wouldn't betray our relationship to such a flimsy concept as romance- nothing will get in the way of his being everything to me....I say that with a resolve that reminds me of the way I said the same thing about Elorza and Jeremey and god knows how many others, but....I simply don't know what would happen to me if anything happened to end Jeff and I.

If I could grow old with him as my best friend, it would be worth growing old.

I am going to sleep while his scent still clings to my clothes and his visage is still burned on my mind....I had almost forgotten what he looked like. Amazing as it was to see him, the high slips away quickly. The moment I closed the door behind him the thought arose: This is the exact moment where I have the absolute longest to wait until I see him again.

I won't let that get in my way tonight, though. Tonight I will simply close my eyes and pretend I am sleeping in his arms, ready to strike at his next off-color joke and utterly at peace with the world and all the foreign, far-away demons in it.

On with it...."....