Monday, April 08, 2002

I think about Jeremey too much. I dreamt about him last night....or the night before. But I think it was last night.

All of his old friends from Lisbon- Jeremy C. and Bobby, probably some other people I can't think of- are going to Orono. I believe he'll be there too. It almost bothers me to think that their relationships with him may get a fresh start, and I've ostensibly lost him forever. Except that they're good people, and I want him to be happy...and he's a good person, and I want him to be happy.

I miss him too much, too often. Or not enough...lately I've been numb to a lot of things...except that damn soundtrack or thoughts of one person who just fucking makes me flinch. Of all the faces in the world that I can remember, there is one I'd really love to completely, completely forget. happen.

None of you, except Jenn, have any idea what that was about...maybe Ricky, too, but I don't think so. Jenn doesn't read this site, anyway, except that she's next to me on the computer typing up Civil Rights Team stuff- another thing I haven't decided whether I miss or not- and peering over from time to time.

Speaking of Jenn, I think she'll agree with me that American Psycho was possibly THE most fucked up movie of all time. Whatever happened to good cinema? (That, right there, was something I wrote simply for the sake of writing. We watched two movies the night we saw American Psycho, the other being Original Sin, and Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas naked are both testament to what "good cinema" really means) The movie wasn't a total loss, though. While it's impossible to be as attracted to Christian Bale as his fucked-up lead in psycho as one is as his oh-so-beautiful role in Newsies, he's still got a nice body and he's fucking controlling- I like controlling. He very casually asserts his force over the women he sleeps with and does what he wants with them. That's....I like it.

Also, the carnage was cool. Something about a whole shitload of overly violent, messy deaths makes me root for the bad guy (most of the time). In this case, the bad guy was too confusing to really ROOT for, but I was hoping he'd get in a few more murders. They were....pleasingly graphic. (I'm a sick motherfucker.)

Speaking of violence, in a particularly intense, uh, "kiss" last night, Jeff seems to have permanently fucked up my tooth. His knocked into mine and all throughout band today it felt really tingly whenever I would hold a note. Now breathing through my mouth is producing a similar affect. This does not bode well.....I'm hoping this doesn't last long.

Jenn has been wearing Cody's collar on her wrist apparently for three straight days now. I wore it to school on friday-- it's very stylish-feeling-- but couldn't stand wearing it too long as I'm not used to having things around my wrist. Jenn at some point took it when I put it down, because she was wearing it saturday and continues to today. For some odd reason, I find this strangely endearing.

Jenn is an extension of myself in such a way that she has become, definitively, the person I tell everything to. Our connection, in an emotional way, has only really become prevalent this year, whereas before we were more of a hanging-out only pair. While we still don't spend all our time bitching to each other the way I do with other friends, we both talk more about us than we had previously. I wonder if she genuinely has a concept of what she means to me.

Lunch. On with it.