It's been an emotional day.

I called two people that I haven't in a long time. One of which was Chad.

I called Chad from a cell phone in the field across from Emily's house. That's about as far as I could make it before collapsing in tears from the first call I made- to someone I shouldn't have called- from the payphone at Kitty Korner.

I'd been outside- in a post bike-riding state of exhaustion- waiting for Zack to perhaps walk by on the chance he had to work tonight, and listening to Tabitha's Secret and thinking about an e-mail I received tonight with only one word of text- wenesday. And then when I had my fill of thinking that, I began thinking of the same thing I always think, about the only person I think about every single day of my life, and in the emotional state I was in, I made the bad choice to get up and walk to kitty korner at 8:45 and to dial that number and wait for him to pick up the phone, and I asked for him, and it was him, and I just told him I was sorry for calling but....but can't you please forgive me?

And he hung up.

And I wandered back to my field and sat there for a moment, dumbfounded, and thought I'd call Ben. I never remember Ben's number though. Chad's comes naturally to me. When his dad answered, even his voice was somewhat soothing, but Chad's when he picked up had the cathardic affect it always does, and I started to cry to him...crying like I had before, when I was standing next to him in the kitchen, begging not to let this intense fucking love I had for him be reduced to some damn one-night stand, cause, damn, did I love him, and how fucking much I wanted the chance to try, to try and not make the same mistakes I had. I wanted a chance to make it all work out, and I didn't get it, but that would have been okay- then he moved on and I fucking died.

But I lived. And he and I promised that we wouldn't let our friendship get screwed. But we did. And so tonight's the first time I've heard his voice since moxie days, I think, except maybe once when I called him to get Ben's number- because I can never remember Ben's number, Chad's comes naturally to me. And I was on the phone with him and I just cried and said all the things that I wish I could tell another person- how fucking much I love you, how fucking much I think about you, how horrible it is that you won't even take it into consideration, you bastard, I love you! You fucking bastard- and I told him all that. And he told me the truth: that if there's a way for me to forget him, I should. And he plowed through my bullshit of "but I can't, I can't", except I'm not ever sure that it's bullshit, not with him, not with the way he does this to me. And eventually we got to talk about other things, and he changed my state of mind and lifted me up- slightly, maybe, because how happy can I be on the phone with him, soaking in the knowledge of the fact that he can always make me happy- and I was distracted- and waiting for Zack to come by, because Zack is really what saved me and my fucking ego from Chad, from Kara, but when we got off the phone, god, did I want to tell him that I loved him. Because I do. And whether or not it could ever be the same, I wonder if he still loves me. Just a friend, or not even.

He told me, when he had to go, that I could always come to him, and he did it in that voice that makes me love him the way I do, because damn I do, and that made me smile and that made me hurt, but everything hurts.

Zack never walked by, so I came home and got online and waited for him, and wrote bad poetry meant for the guy who hung up on me- how dare you just hang up on me- in my away message, except that it wasn't bad poetry at all. I only tend to say it was to make up for the fact that it might have been...anyway, Zach's here now, so I guess life must go on...with it.