I am sad and angry. Everything I was looking forward to has past or fallen apart.

Things are okay when Zack's here. He's not right now.

I've been in bed all day, but I wish I could fall back to sleep now. I don't want to stay conscious and wait for the handful of people who would be able to make this bullshit better to do it when they aren't going to. I don't want to foster any hope for this night. I want to cut my losses, let them drift away, and turn my back to them.

The only person who ever bothered for me when I waited to be bothered for was Chad. And look where that got me.

I am sad and angry. Only sad and angry, right? I can't really have this much bitterness.

I'm angry at even people I'm never angry at...because my ideas are never good enough, it's never what she wants to do. I'm trying to wonder if she ever does what I want to do, instead of me following her to what she wants to do, because I feel like saying it's true, but I don't want to make accusations that aren't true. Emily used to do that to me, I refuse to be that short-sighted. I will look at the evidence, and I will decide if my anger is rational. But I'm angry anyway, and I never think I have a reason to be angry at her. All I ever want is to do things we can both enjoy together, more than we normally do. It always seems like she thinks it's a bad idea.

I'm angry at him, but not for the reason anyone would think- it's not his fault. I'm angry at him because he won't give me anything as a consolation prize...I am disappointed, and he is sorry, but that is the extent of it. There will be no effort on his part to assure me that this is an isolated event (granted, it already isn't) or that it wasn't nessecary- that my wanting things to be perfect and wanting to be able to show him a good time and wanting to be able to talk in a way we haven't gotten an oppurtunity to before, that all that was a nice thought, but that I'm already important to him as it is, even if I can't get to it, and that we can still talk, we can still be deep with each other. The disappointment is passing. But the idea that these aren't failed plans, it's the beginning of a failed friendship...that's gonna stay with me. I just wish he could shed his stoic outer layer for a moment to realize that somebody he's supposed to care about is hurting, that it's very simple and very plain what she needs, and that he's the only one that can do it. I wish he could stop pretending not to care long enough to pretend he does.

And as for the rest of the world, the Bens, the Chads, the Emilys and all the other scholars, I want to know why I'm not important enough to try for any longer. I want to know why it's okay just to let me drift. I want to know why you aren't holding on, and why do you seem to think that I'll be okay? I want to know why I'm not worth it, why it's okay to keep me blocked or be kept blocked or not to call me back. Why I'm not worth an e-mail asking me if I'm alright any longer. Why you stopped thinking enough of me to stop what you were doing to call and check up. Why this is happening to me.

I am sad and I am angry. I am scared and I am alone. That must be all. I can't really have this much regret and hatefulness.

Can I? On with it.