Monday, August 22, 2005

There's something very right in this album right now-- the "Unsent" Album. I'd never loved it the way I loved Jagged Little Pill, and I kind of gave up on Alanis after that.

She's all about the repetition, but "
Are You Still Mad" has it's virtues. The way guilt can turn into accusation. The way wrong can turn into self-righteousness. The mess we all let ourselves get into when we entangle our lives with the lives of others, how foolish it is to sit inside a moment with someone else and be totally confident in the idea that their feelings exactly mirror yours.

Then, resignation. Reality kicks in.

Are you still mad?
Of course you are.

God, they're all good tracks, aren't they? I was Hoping, Sympathetic Character, One.

Still, the ultimate truth seems to come through in the song which lyrics used to hang on my bedroom wall.


That I Would Be Good

That I would be good even if i did nothing
That I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if i was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when i numb myself
That I would be good even when i am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when i was fuming
That I would be good even if i was clingy

That I would be good even if i lost sanity
That I would be good
whether with or without you


I think, for the moment, that nothing drives us more than the way we feel about ourselves. Not religion, not morality, not anything more than self-esteem. There's that old saying that you can't ever truly love somebody until you first love yourself, and I've steadfastly ignored it, my whole life.

But...without it, you can't really love them the way they need to be loved, can you?

At least I know people still read this thing.

On with it.


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