Friday, August 07, 2009

A minute ago, I had few scattered moments of believing that I had done the right thing, as evidenced by the tweets that I will leave up, for the time being. That confidence, it wanes.

At four o'clock today, I got a message from you on my phone with one simple request-- one that I was, apparently, destined to ignore. At four o'clock for you, I shed the first tears that were exclusively for you. They weren't the last. I haven't yet seen the last.

At twenty minutes after midnight or so, my entire right leg fell through the hole in porch, twisting my left foot as I fell. I screamed aloud in the night, letting it seem that it was for the pain of the fall. It might have been a little, but as I lapsed into sobs, even Zack knew that it was for you. He'd be a fool not to; I've been acting pretty crazy all night; I told him what I did. I told him why I did it.

At maybe 7:45 this morning, I was fuming mad at Mr. L. I was calling him anything insulting that vaguely fit. I was calling him a hippy (there's a tweet on that one), a new-aged joke. I was railing at the idea of a sixty-ish, unmarried man who sleeps with women right about half his age and undermines the important of marriage-- sure, he wants me to get mine now that I'm twenty-something, but by the time I'm his age, I'll be worthless, having avoided marriage my whole life at his suggestion, and found myself unmarketable to a world of men who want only younger women. That's what happen to girls like me when we listen to men like him. Sure, he wants me and my superior genes to join his free love movement now (not for himself, mind you. Even angry at him as I was, I can't allege that. It's just not true.) But once I grow up, I'll get put out to pasture.

Not everyone has your particular set of problems, Mr. L. I could leave Zack now and spend the rest of my life bedding anyone who I find mildly interesting and still never have the problems you talked about in session today (edited for content on August 20th.) I'm gonna have some owning up to if he actually reads this, but whatever, fuck him.) So maybe we shouldn't be as concerned with the pursuit of Linda's perfect orgasm-- this bullshit idea that, in reality, may never, probably will never happen-- and focus on Linda's semi-charmed life.

I love my husband, goddamn it. Even if, as you (Mr. L, not you-you.) pointed out, I'm currently in love with someone else. I'm not gonna blow every blip on the radar. Was this whole thing some sort of bizarre, sick reverse psychology thing? Because, if not, remind me to bring a paper and pencil and make note of your justification of this advice next time. Because everyone, everyone thinks you're fucking crazy.

For those of you who aren't able to keep up, Mr. L said that I should sleep with another guy. The other guy. The one I've just gone through a pseudo-breakup with, mostly out of fear that, with the infallible one's blessing, I would give in.

So yeah, Mr. L. Fuck you. And yeah, I'll see you on the 18th. Trust me. I'll be there.

Maybe you won't read this ever again. Maybe I won't be able to make you understand how hard this is for me-- the way I typed out that last text message and stared at it for maybe twenty minutes, floating my thumb above the "send" button. When I finally hit it, I instantly had no idea if I had done it on accident or not. I waited and waited, hoping for some further protest. You probably have more pride than that. And then, there's the possibility that I got you into some serious shit on your end. If that's the case, then, christ, I'm sorry. I wish I could have waited. In that moment, I didn't feel like I could.

It that seems selfish, you'll have to understand that I was somehow paralyzed by the earlier conversation which ended so suddenly. I could do nothing but wait for the situation to resolve itself. I couldn't write my damn essay, I couldn't watch TV. I didn't eat. I did masturbate briefly, and to no happy end-- Mr. L would be satisfied by my dissatisfaction, as proof of his point. (Didn't I say fuck you? Fuck you.) I had things to do, and I had no interest, no will to do them, till I found some sort of closure. I was hoping it would just be closure to the conversation...I guess it wasn't. I guess by the time I finished typing it out, I guess by the time I maybe-accidentally hit "send", it was more definitive than that. One way or another...I don't know. There's part of me that keeps saying it "had to happen."

But I shouldn't have risked getting you in trouble. I'm sorry. And it should have been in person. I'm sorry. And it should have been a thousand years from now. God, I'm sorry.

I want to see you again. I want to discuss it in person. I want us to find whatever comfortable place we're going to get to, to be sure that you'll make good on that promise that you'll care about me even when I'm not half naked and halfway done. Or, if we're never going to find someplace "comfortable", then fine. I want to search for it and miss. I want to know definitively that we're always going to be holding back some deeper connection, some seed that longs to take root, some ever-streaming tail of a firework, always maybe about to burst. (That must have been the description you were talking about the other day...the firework one.)

Without my noticing, U2's "With or Without You" has come on in background. Again, one of those moments where I suddenly love a song. Maybe more profound if I'd realized it was happening earlier.

"Sleight of hand and twist of fate,
On a bed of nails, she makes me wait.
And I wait without you."

I hope you come here again. I hope you read this. I want to see you...I know it won't be soon. If I could have accepted that, if I weren't so fitful at the thought of it, maybe none of this would have happened.

On with it.