Mmmmm, things just keep getting worse, eh?

So, yeah, family problems.....I don't know who logs on, or if I should care about her privacy, but hell, it affects me- she was molested last night, I told my parents and she's denying it to them so that she won't have to get caught up in the stress of whatever kind of legal battle or whatever the fuck it is that we're looking at. This won't work well with her history......but....I don't know. She sent me the same e-mail she sent phil- I know because I was in her account- about what happened....angsty and artistic, but what did she expect from me? I wonder what she wants from me.....I've been doing my best to keep myself completely emotionally unaffliated with these people....haven't though....went to my dad's office today to drop off shoes for god-only-knows what reason. I hadn't been there in a few years, but the last time I was there, I remember I saw the "#1 dad!" clock I bought him when I was, like, 7 or something still there. I think the idea that it was might have made me cry....I don't know, it seems like it would have. I found myself searching for it today, and it wasn't there. That should have made me cry. It almost did. It's been too long a week, though.

I don't think my dad knows at all about what the guy did to cathy last night- my sister started telling mom it was nothing before he came home. I don't think he would do anything anyway. I doubt he'd react at all. If it would bother him, he'd do his best not to think about it. Maybe. How the hell am I supposed to know what he thinks, feels, how he copes anymore? I don't know if I ever did, and I was close to him once.

Ally McBeal almost made me cry, tonight, too. This is almost making me cry. I hate it when my eyes get damp but the tears won't actually come. Crying is bittersweet, but at least have of that is sweet. It's a release, and at rate, and it makes you feel real. Maybe Andrew feels so fake because he never has.

"Wish that I could cry
Fall down on my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see."
-Five for Fighting

I'm not listening to that. I'm listening to "Best I Ever Had". Who is the best I ever had? And where will I be when I stop wondering why? (That's "Champagne High", an unrelated song, except that they're both going to be on my future "most depressing songs ever" CD)

Thought I was going to get to see Jeff today...he's bad at making plans. Another let down. Probably see him sunday or monday, and he promised he'd let me know which by tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm seeing Mark, which is somewhat unfortunate, being that I am feeling the incredible need to be near rich kid, wait, no, I'm not allowed to call him that anymore- "Andrew".....I don't feel those kinds of feelings for significant others anywhere near as much as regular girlfriends. I'm not regular, never was.

It's getting on my nerves being seen as a teenager all the time...I'm not passionate, I'm hormonal!
FUCK YOU!
(heh, that really helped my case) I'm precocious, goddamn it. Don't these people REALIZE that? Do they know ANYTHING about me? If I hear the word "special" one more time, I may slap someone. That's not angst OR insight, that's violence. I am

Violent
Angry
Intelligent
Passionate
Emotional
Youthful
Insightful
Experienced

I'm not young, I'm not a teenager- I'm a younger, better-looking, quicker version of all of you who still has use of all her major joints! I am simply the thing that has come to take your place and improve the world that YOU might have been better in if you had taken the time to be as good as me. That's what I am, and nothing else. Treat me as an adolescent, and I'll treat you as an artifact.





Where the fuck did all that come from? *sighs* Screw it, I'm too tired for this.



"There'll be no strings to bind your hands
Not if my love can bind your heart
And there's no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose to start.
I see no reason to take me home
I'm old enough to face the dark.
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away
From me."
-The Pretenders

(Andrew and Linda- four months yesterday.)


On with it~