"What'll I do
When you
Are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?
What'll I do
When I
Am wond'ring who
Is kissing you
What'll I do?
What'll I do
With just
A photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When I'm alone with just the dream of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?"
-Irving Berlin


If I had sung this to myself, and I probably did, when faced with the idea of Emily and Jeff going to college, along with infinitely more friends that I can't even make myself think about.....Torrie and Aaron and George and Jenn and.....I should stop naming them. But if I had sung this when faced with all that, I would have had such a hightened idea of the urgency of the question that it would have weakened my strong knees and strengthened my weak voice. I don't know what to do.....spend more time with Jenn and Andrew, get inventive with who I spend my other time with. Can't wait for Nick to get his license, then he and I can spend time together as often as we feel the inclination- Nick is the type who, given a license, would drive to see me whenever I was having a crisis that day to hold me while I cried, and let me feel his closeness...so often that's all I need.

Physical closeness is of hightened (using that word for the second time in this thus far short post) importance to me now that I don't have the luxury of touching the hands that are most important to me and running to the arms, resting my head on the shoulders and stroking the hair.

"Put down the pen
I'm lost again
The feeling's gone away
But I can't curl up in you
Like I could
Back then."

Part of a song I wrote after Emily and I broke up between my freshmen and sophomore year. Mr. Ladd asked me to sing it to him once and I wouldn't, I can't sing. I think Mark once offered to write background music....Emily and Mr. Ladd and Mark, people I can only reach, with any regularity, through the internet. The computer. Cold, disdainful box.

Elorza turns 17 this month, and not long after that he'll be able to try for his license, and sometime after he gets it, he's said he is going to drive up here. Seeing him again, at this point, would be like a vision of God. I so need to look into eyes right now.

"Kiss me each morning
For a million years
Hold me each evening by your side
Tell me you love me for a million years
Then if it don't work out
If it don't work out
Then you can tell me goodbye...."

One of the many songs I first heard on Ally Mcbeal and was quick to download directly proceeding. David E. Kelley shows provided a weekly happiness for me last year that was so like an oasis.....I really should watch them again this year.

"If you must go
I won't grieve
If you wait a lifetime
Before you leave."

Dinner should be here shortly...on with it~