Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Linda: You're a dirty wop. Well, no, actually, you aren't, but if you ever have children, they will be.
ZacK: Why?
Linda: Because I'm a dirty wop, and if you ever have children, they'll be with me.
Zack: What's a wop?
Linda: It's an Italian. It's like calling a black person a "nigger" or a jewish person a...uh...
Zack: A "Jew"?

This struck me as rather funny, and I post it for no other reason than it's relative humor and the fact that I haven't had anything to say since Saturday. Admit it: you were pining for me.

Since I've established a theme, though, now's a good time for me to talk about the funniest Valentine's-related news story this year-- that's right, even funnier than all that other Valentine's related news. It's that good. So, just for those of us who didn't already get the news from PA:

American Greetings is thoroughly chagrinned after their Chinese suppliers made a printing mistake with their SpongeBob Squarepants valentine's. Instead of coloring the (vastly overrated) cartoon character yellow, they "mistakenly" portrayed him in black, causing one Valentine included in the box set (sold exclusively at everybody's favorite monopoly-- other than the game, which is pretty cool-- Wal*Mart) to strongly resemble minstrel show propaganda from the late 1800's. But don't take my word for it, or that the press', or the hundreds of offended consumers': decide for yourself.

So as Spongebob wears the face that grins and lies, the smile on my face is 100% genuine. Don't take it as insensitivity on my part that I think this may be the biggest, best, most hilarious mishap since September 11th, but if I see one more piece of Spongebob Paraphenelia, I'm going to shove my officially licensed Spongebob butt-probe up some pourous yellow ass.

Spongebob Items for Sale: For the technically inclined, we've got the SpongeBob Squarepants Optical mouse.

For the working man on the go, we've got the Spongebob hands-free cell phone kit.

For the Spongebob fetishist, we've got this delightful contraption that teases you with the promise of getting a peak at Spongebob's SpongeBone, which is rumored to be a toilet brush.

They even have, get this, Spongebob sponges.

And, of course, this little boy. (Available in Girl.)

It's not that I don't think Spongebob is a decent cartoon: he's at par with all the other Nick Toons out there today, maybe better. But I can say without hesitation that he's the most overrated pop icon since the Beatles. Yeah, that's right. I said it. The Beatles. I'm sorry I can't let it be, but I hear people worshipping the Beatles eight days a week and frankly, it doesn't have a ticket to ride with me anymore. That was yesterday. Maybe sharing this opinion will endanger my future career as a paperback writer, but ob-la-de, ob-la-da, life goes on.

I think the really humorous thing is that I'm gonna catch more shit for insulting the Beatles than that 9-11 crack I made, which was obviously referring to September 11th, 1970, when the Ford Pinto was first released to the autumotive market.

Why? What did *you* think I meant?

While American Greetings has addressed the issue with Wal*Mart (who's official stance is "Eh."), they seem to be letting their suppliers off a bit easier than they perhaps deserve. "Culturally, the guys on press in China wouldn't have the faintest idea of who a SpongeBob was or who a black SpongeBob was," said one AG official. The Chinese, in their infinite, fortune-cookie wisdom have a saying for such unfortunate situations, pronounced "Nee-haw Solif-Ack, Soody wat-cha fing-nifick.", which, loosely translated, means "I can't believe we're getting away with this!" Does this remind anyone but me of that Episode of South Park where the Japanese people went around complementing the penises of American men, and therefore got away with anything they wanted?

"Ahhh, we are really sorry about mistake, Good sir. We were distracted from printing machine by thoughts of big american wang, such as yours."
"Uhm, yes, well. Don't let it happen again."

Just a thought.

Also, on an unrelated note, I have talked to Andy Milonakis-- on instant messager now, how's that for impressive-- and with a little finesse (and bribery) on my part, I got his word that he would send me the corrected Chonky lyrics soon. So look forward to that...or don't, since I'm really only throwing a bone to random google searchers who travel through here. But ain't it *cool* that I actually talked to him? For a really long time, too! Huh? Huh?

Oh, screw you people.

On with it.