Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Note on Below: Jeff e-mailed me to let me know that my credibility suffered, since I apparently did not know that the name of the gentlemen in queston is "Karl Rove". I submit that I did and do, in fact, know the man's real name, and that the multiple instances of "Roves" was but one typo gone awry when I decided to be lazy and repeatedly use ctrl+V, rather than type it out.

My apologies, and thanks to Jeff, the bitch.




My thoughts on this whole "One" campaign that assaults me every time I start AIM:


The Oval Office, sometime in the past few months:

Karl Roves: What we need is something to distract the American people from the whole "Strangling Democracy Slowly and Occupying Iraq" situation. Something flashy, something Jazzy...something with even more death.
Squeaky-voiced White House Intern: Death, sir?
Karl Roves: Yes, yes, the masses love their death. Something global and scary...a giant, horrifying diversion.
Suck-up Assistant: Absolutely Brilliant, Mr. Rove, you've done it again. How about this whole Africa situation?
Roves: Mmmm, refresh me.
Squeaky: Millions dying, wide-spread poverty, AIDs. Wiping the poor off the face of the continent.
Suck-Up: One death every three minutes, I believe.
Roves: Damn! That's so SEXY!
Suck Up: *Glances at his beeping watch.* Ooops, there goes another one!
Roves: This is perfect! But...AIDs. People don't care about AIDs. They think it's a government-disease created to control the population of blacks and gays.
Squeaky: Isn't it, sir?
Roves: Well, of course it is, but that's not the point. We need to get someone to endorse this little project. A celebrity, perhaps.
Suck-Up: A GROUP of celebrities!
Roves: PERFECT!
Squeaky: But...sir.....Celebrities only care about themselves.
Roves and Suck-up: Ooooo.
Roves: We need to change their minds...Who do we have blackmail on?
Suck-Up: We have pictures of Rita Wilson taking it up the ass from P. Diddy while Tom Hanks does Kate Hudson in the background.
Roves: Ooooh, Goldie won't like that. But we need more...Who's that sexy activist slut?
*Squeaky and Suck-up Glances at each other*
Squeaky: You'll have to be more specific.
Roves: That actress...from all those bad movies.
Suck-Up: Drew Barrymore?
Roves: No, the really hot one, with the African kid.
Squeaky: Angelina Jolie, sir?
Roves: Yes! Her! She's perfect. This is right up her alley, and she'll do anyone for a good cause.
Suck-Up: Or for any other reason.
Roves: Exactly. Get her to sleep with a few big names. They'll be putty in our hands in no time.
*Rove begins to laugh maniacally, and Suck-Up Joins in. Squeaky begins making key telephone calls as the President walks into the room and joins up in the laughter.*
Bush: Heh heh heh....boobies.


Okay, I took that way too far, but I think I've managed to illustrate my point. Me, I haven't signed the "One Declaration" because I have this nagging feeling that AIDS may be the only thing to give us a fighting chance in not becoming horribly overpopulated and having North America torn apart by riots that are likely to kill us all in twenty or so years. (I watched a shock-umentary about this while I was in California and it scared the crap out of me. I'll have to do some personal research on how credible these predictions are, and report back to you.)

I'm finding that it's really, really difficult to feel strongly about global issues when you think too much. I wish I could be really straightforward and simple and go with my instincts on this, which urge me to make a difference (Not because poverty and death are bad, but because celebrities want me to. What? Are your instincts any different?)


Anyway....Supreme Court Justices. Trying to compile a list of potential replacements to Sandra D. (lousy with moderat-ity) to see whom I support. I've crossed out any with the following phrases in the description: "(strongly OR consisently) conservative", "Mini-Scalia" or "Scalia-Lite", "wants to overturn Roe V. Wade." Taking out just the ones with those red-flags eliminates about half. This website gives better information on the possible candidates than the others I've seen. Check it out, so you can, at the very least, speak intelligently about it when the end of the civilization as we know it takes place. I'll let you all know when I've get my money on one or two...unless I've got something better to do.

On with it.

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