I don't care who he slept with, Woody Allen is my hero. I just saw Deconstructing Harry, it was so great.....it's about this guy who can't function in real life, only through his art. A lot like me. Except that his characters are wildly entertaining, imaginative, and metaphorical and mine are very black and white. I think I should have to watch/read things that Woody Allen wrote until I adopt his kind of insanely out there thought style.

I really should try to watch one of the other two movies I rented that are due back today, either Fargo or the rest of Sabrina (the old version), or maybe I should just return these and pick out three or four more. Something inspirational. I want to write. I want to produce a short story worthy of sustaining my life despite all this bullshit....Emily leaving, Jeff/Elorza/Jeremey being uncomfortably far away, the threat of Andrew moving, being psychologically raped by the Lisbon School Department (again), having to deal with being given 3 different explanations of why Mr. Ladd left within the course of two days, at least two of which would prove that the only trust I ever kept in him- that he had a good reason the whole time- was, once again, a trust I shouldn't have had, my sister's fucking annoying boyfriend moving in, and......god knows what else, but it's unhealthy how much I thrive on piling problem on top of problem in lists like this, and if I don't monitor my health, who will? Oh, wait, Lisbon High and the St. Mary's crisis team, I forgot! How silly of me.

I'm getting really good at this watching movies alone thing. I'm getting very close to the movieland people. Always wanted a gay role model, maybe that's why I'm so anxious to go down there. That and the sorta my-aged guy who works there is the type of person I'd really want to get to know for conversational purposes. I love strangers for having conversations with- people you know so little about and you can get deep or stay superficial according to the mood, and no feelings are hurt through what is said, and guesses and assumptions are so dangerously inconsequential and exciting....fucking love strangers. Not really strangers; semi-strangers. People you don't know anything about except that they can recognize you and you can recognize them.

I should cut my toenails.

"Fascinating new thing
You seem naked
Want a temporary savior?
Fascinatin new thing
Don't betray them
By becoming familiar
I'm surprised
That you've never been told before
That you're lovely
That you're perfect
And that somebody wants you."
Semisonic, FNT

I'm all about art today. Music and movies and, dare I say it, books. I'd be SUCH a good writer if I would just read more, mais helas, I don't have the attention span. I wish they could put me on ritalin or something. I could be an A student, a pulitzer prize-winning novelist, and, hey, maybe even a faithful girlfriend. You never know what medical science will come up with next!

FieryGwenivere: how do you spell rid-a-lyn, the drug?
Nick: ritalin
FieryGwenivere: thank you love

Nick and I don't talk half as often anymore, but he's still perfect. Last night I asked him about barrage, or, as I put it, "buh-rahge". I can just imagine writing college essays, trying for all those twenty-five cent words, Nick will be working harder than I am....I love having smart friends. Though it wouldn't hurt if I found myself some dumb ones, but people like that generally see me as condescending.


....I find that ironic as hell. You're all free to figure that out by yourselves.


At any rate, I'm either going to do some writing that actually counts for something, or I'm going to rent more movies and fade farther and farther into a contented cinematic oblivion.

And, to leave you with some pearls, I will now randomly paste the rest of nick's and my conversation, as I am pretentious and it makes me look educated that I would have a conversation like this casually.

Nick: The word tenebrous rules.
FieryGwenivere: how you do love that word-a-day site!
Nick: *smiles* Aye, that I do!
FieryGwenivere: I prefer tenebrious
FieryGwenivere: flows better
Nick: Touché
Nick: What a capricious rapport with reality do we have!
FieryGwenivere: ....you know, mark twain thought big words were pretentious
Nick: Meh, what could he possibly know? ;-)
FieryGwenivere: nah, they are pretentious in most contexts
FieryGwenivere: but what can I say, I'm a pretentious person
Nick: Alot of them are, but some of the ones I read on the site are far more applicable and understandable than their bretheren.
Nick: For example.
Nick: The word "microcosm" is an excellent word, that in many respects, has a unique application.
FieryGwenivere: ....microcosm, a self-containing world, right?
Nick: But a word like "atelier", which could simply be called a workshop, is very pretentious.
Nick: Correct.
Nick: A self containing world that is comparable to the larger whole.
FieryGwenivere: well, the defense I would have for atelier, or pretentious words on a whole, is that they're sonorous and poetic
FieryGwenivere: the language of a dreamworld
Nick: Excellent point.
Nick: They can help convey a point more effectively, also.
FieryGwenivere: When people use them to sound educated, that's pretentious. When people use them because of the sheer delight that it is to feel them on one's lips or fingertips, that's poetic.
FieryGwenivere: artistic, rather
Nick: You see, you're able to explain this better than I.
FieryGwenivere: the entire french language is based around the idea that speaking should sound beautiful
Nick: And anything done with the express purpose of sounding educated, is pretentious, whether it is word use or not.
FieryGwenivere: they change the rules of their language frequently just so that things flow better
FieryGwenivere: If there is one thing America is lacking, it is not education, it's aesthetic appreciation
Nick: Yes, that is for sure.


See, Harvard, you really WANT Nick, he's smart!


Gone. On with it.