Do you experience depression, extreme irritability, and sudden crying spells a week before your period? Maybe it's not PMS....it my be P.M.D.D.

Pre-menstraul dysphoric disorder. It's just occured to me that probably the only reason I know the word dysphoria- and, moreoever, the reason my male dysphorena buds had never heard of it- is that damn P.M.D.D. medication commercial.

Dysphorena.blogspot.com, by the way, is thus far living up to it's name (dysphoria + arena). We've got arguments about my true gender, Aerosmith v. Pink Floyd, the "does Linda have an ass?" debate, baseball rivalries, arguments that Aaron can and does have with basically anybody, and just generally lots of people who either hate each other or don't get along.

Beni: how's life?
FieryGwenivere: I couldn't really judge, I refuse to classify my existence that way. I figure it'd be an insult to all that "life", in theory, stands for
Ben: touché. How are you doing?
FieryGwenivere: extremely badly. But I can only presume that will pass with the hormones.
Ben: I'm sorry to hear that.
FieryGwenivere: However, if Jeff hasn't e-mailed me back by the time I'm done bleeding, I think I may start again by my own devices
Ben: what do you mean by start again?
FieryGwenivere: bleeding
Ben: thats not a good thing.
FieryGwenivere: I'm a drama queen.
Ben: point taken.

This, among other things, is what I adore about Ben. Entirely benevolent in every aspect, he is active without being so proactive as to make one want to stick a fork in his eye. He sees my screaming and firework-lighting as what it is, but only when I tell him that that's what he needs to be taking it as. He's obedient and good and entirely more decent than maybe anyone I've ever met....other than Nick. Nick's got the only balance between concern and dismissal that could possibly be better than Ben's. Nick is one thing, though, and good at it....Nick isn't the one who...I don't know if Ben would be upset if I posted certain recent happenings in our relationship, so I simply won't. Wow, look at that, I'm learning to respect people's feelings. Fuck that.

Phone conversation I've just had with my father:
Phone rings, I answer.
ME: Hello?
HIM: Hi.
ME: Hi.
HIM: Where's your mother.
ME: Uhm, I don't know...let's find out. *gets up* (yelling) MOM!
MOM: Yeah?
ME: It's dad. (Into phone) She's coming.
DAD: *doesn't respond*

In the full minute that it took my mother to get to the phone, my father and I did not speak one word. He is calling from his newly acquired night shift most likely for no other reason than to find out how she is. He is not interested in how I am enough to ask, even out of obligatory feigned interest. If I were better than I am now, this would upset me. It kinda sickens me that it kinda still does. One should be used to being prehumously orphaned....if prehumous is a word.

I love that I know how to pronounce posthumously while most people put the accent on "hu". And I need to clip my toenails.

I hope, for his sake and mine (more for mine) to GOD that Jeff does not check this site. My tendency to relate my every pain to his absence would probably get in the way of our friendship if exposed. It probably already has. Most of the depression that I link to him automatically probably has nothing to do with him, but if I'm not finding some way to relate all my pain to one person, then I may have to start thinking about, exploring, and, god forbid, getting through my actual problems.

The first of which is obviously having too much fucking insight to myself. Screw emotional intelligence.

Speaking of dependency, Elorza has been pretty much my only, and quite unexpected, source of real happiness for a while. His attitude has changed, he's acting as though I matter, I am in love with what he is doing to himself. He is amazing. He always was amazing. He's showing it now.

Keep it up, babe.

Did I already mention I need to cut my toenails? I really, really do. Driving me fucking insane.

Elorza: why the grunt
Elorza: yo know, vanilla flavored tootsie rolls aren't all that pleasing.... but i digress
FieryGwenivere: because I think all period-related hormones are, possibly, are little seeds of insight to how much existence really does sick, even when we are too ignorant to notice
Elorza: could be
Elorza: which proves women to be better
Elorza: because men only get ignorance
FieryGwenivere: yeah, cept I don't agree with what I just said at all, except that I'd like to convince myself that the mental anguish I go through once a month, right now in particular, is more than just my gender's lot in life
Elorza: fair enough

I hated the way I said that, because what I was looking for a way to make gender into an adjective so I could say "my ____ lot in life" instead, so I looked it up. Just so you know, odd as it sounds, "sexual" would have been the optimum word there. So let's pretend I said that, instead. My sexual lot in life.

Out of context, that sounds...well, sexual.

So, yeah, that thing I was getting at before with blaming my miseries on one person- it has just now occured to me that that's why the fab five was so incredibly good for me, back when I was still taking it seriously. Since then...screw it, the story should all be here somewhere....look for it.

Elorza's girlfriend likes Ani. I really would have suspected that this would make me uncontrollably angry, but for some reason it doesn't. If Jeremey's girlfriend did, I would probably cry. Something about being threatened by similarities between the girlfriend's of people I used to be in love with and me. But somehow I feel like encouraging this, a lot. I'm gonna burn all my CDs for her.


I NEED TO CUT MY TOENAILS!

~
On my way upstairs from running downstairs to cut my toenails, I managed to stub my toe and FUCK am I in pain. That's what I get from wanting toenails with lengths that don't stretch the limits of what is considered human.

As of right now, I only know the location of 2 out of.....5 (I think) ani CDs that I own. This could be problematic....could be, but I'm too good for that. Who needs organization?

I don't know if there's anything else I was going to write, but my name is Linda and I'm fucking tired of writing this. On with it~