Monday, April 29, 2002

Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls, seems very fitting right now.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven
That I've ever been
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your light
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don' t think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."

This has a vaguely similar theme to "Name", and like it, will probably prompt another extremely long e-mail about the song written to Mitch, if he ever writes back in response to the last two I sent him. Bastard. But it's pertinence now has very little to do with that, and more with the fact that I've realized tonight that it's very important for me to make a decision. This isn't a decision between two things, because I already know what needs to be done, pretty much inarguably. I simply have to make the decision to do it. And this isn't one that comes easily.

I am in the middle of two things right now, and I have sacrifice one, that probably couldn't be anything more than what it is, and probably shouldn't be anyway, to let the other expand to it's full potential, which I've already experienced first hand before....though, I don't know, sometimes I sit around and wonder if it's really there anymore. Other times, I can't imagine it ever dissipating.

It's always difficult for me to make decisions like this, because it involves actively changing the pattern of one of my close friendships. (I'd like to point out right now, so that no one thinks this is something it's not, this isn't about Emily) I hate change in relationships of any kind...and I'm bad at it. I don't like to let go of things, or people.

This won't involve letting go of anyone, I should point out.

I always allude to too much, trying to give just enough of a bone to informed parties- in this case, probably only one person....though I can't really remember at this point- while attempting to keep the bigger part of it away from people who shouldn't know. This, one, makes for boring reading and two, makes for suspicious people. For the sake of both, let me summarize and give you this- I have to make a hard decision, I have to gain willpower and to what I have to to make things right and no, it probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. Yes, I mean you. Y-O-U. This isn't about you. Don't be paranoid.

(The one person who is informed will know what I'm getting at...unless he's truly that clueless.)

Promised myself I'd be in bed forty minutes ago. School, and an exceptionally long day, tomorrow.

On with it.