Wednesday, August 28, 2002

As if to prove to the rest of the world that they are wrong, we CAN do it, last night with Jeff was great. From Tin Tin, our place, where we shoved strawberry jello from the buffet straight into my jacket pockets in sentiment to the top of the parking garage where we ended up throwing it to the streets below, from the car ride spent screaming "INDIANA ROCKS" at the top of our lungs my bathroom, serenading my pajama-clad sister with a bad rendition of Etheridge's "The Only One", the chemistry between us didn't falter once. Granted, it was difficult- after nine months, it's hard to remember, all of a sudden that no, you aren't allowed to kiss someone, and yeah, maybe you should pull away from that embrace before it becomes questionable. But between our mutual efforts and joking reminders that things we used to do without thought are now "inappropriate", we did good. And it was great.

It's been a long time since I've been able to hang out with him without feeling the strain of thoughts like "What if I'm about to hurt this magnificient human being? What if I really screw up?", and finally being relieved of that, knowing that I've finally done the right, if extremely painful, thing...that makes things between he and I easier and better and more enjoyable for me. I keep having to remind myself that he's not in the same place as I am- that he didn't have any great relief to be found in the end of our relationship, but I think the difference in it for me is positive, in it's own way, for both of us. I guess I really don't know if he'd disagree, but aside from a few delicate moments, last night felt better- more relaxed, more fun- than things have between us for a while. None of my zoning out to wonder about the validity of us, the deservingness of me, or how awful the end might finally be. Just he and I, the way we always were, the way- I hope- we always will be.

Last night reminded me very, very clearly of why I fell so totally in love with him, and why it's worth it to make sure that that doesn't happen again. He's one of the best friends I've ever had, or could ever hope for.

Oh, and INDIANA ROCKS!!!!! On with it.