I can't seem to get myself to start actually writing porn....erotica, I'm sorry.

For those of you who don't know the difference, Jeff defined erotica for me as being "porn that tries to be artsy-fartsy". I guess that means the horse bondage story was porn, and the various other shit I read was erotica.

Em apologized last night for being...insensitve and unsympathetic, but I didn't, in any way, go to her for help. People apologize far too often. Andrew apologizes- and pains himself- whenever he can't improve a situation for me. Elorza apologizes...I don't know, for everything, every time I'm mildly annoyed with him. Jeremey apologizes when I milk him for it, but people need to stop bending to my manipulations so much.

Jeff doesn't apologize too much or too little as far as I can see. Yes, other fab five members, get enraged!!! Go ahead! I'm pointing out how much better I like him than the rest of you!!! AGAIN!!!! Jesus!

No, that's not true, Elorza and Jeremey won't give a damn. Goooood Elorza and Jeremey. Good boys. I think Rich Kid has just stopped reading this thing altogether, sick of hearing about various people he's threatened with just because, you know, I've cheated on him with them or at least gotten into extremely compromising situations with them.......whatever. I don't care who I hurt right now. 'Cept Jeff.

Jesus Christ, look at the elitism on that one!

I was writing to Mr. Hall today that I couldn't imagine kissing a female other than Emily....I'm not sure this is true, but I think so. I can't imagine kissing Kelly, the incredibly hot freshmen that I actually TALKED TO today, yeah, that's right, I talked to her. I stared at her. She stared back. I don't know what else to say about this situation, cept that she's, yeah......man.

More nausea. For the past frickin' I don't know how long. It's a damned good thing I'm a virgin or else I would be scared as shit that I'd be pregnant. Maybe it's just coming from spending so much time with pregnant people- Robin. Person.


I'm scatterbrained.....things I need to accomplish tonight: body paragraphs and conclusion for the lost Pheobe essay, body paragraphs for Death in the Woods essay, leagues of french homework, washing my damn hair, accomplishing something with the whole erotica writing thing....hopefully reading some more of "Rats Saw God". But right now I should be going to that damn senior parents night. Hope Floyd's there...she won't be, but I miss talking to her....or something. God, I sound like Emily.

To get back to the shit I was saying before....at the beginning of this, I don't love Jeff any more than the rest of the fab five, I just need him more. I am the best version of myself when I am near him. The happiest, the most idealistic, the most faithful, the most willing, the strongest. Maybe these are illusions of granduer, but I don't care....I need him and my illusions and an imaginary god forbid that anything should ever happen to either...I will not be well. But damn, what I would write from that.....I'd probably never care about anyone again as long as I lived, but I'd write, damn it.

I keep thinking about him dying....the worst possible thing that could happen to me right now, I think. No.....it would be worse to find out he never loved me at all....is this bullshit becoming a log of my feelings for Jeff the way that thing I wrote frehsmen year was a log f my feelings for Jon? Gross.....

....yeah, I'm gone. Ick. On with it.