Second night in a row of getting to talk to Jeff, and for the first time in a long time, I'm just happy. Not missing him too much, not happy to have talked to him, but sad because of something else, not feeling burdened by other people's emotions, just happy. Jeff makes me happy. It's as simple as that.

The only thing that could ever be better in life than telling him I love him and having him say it is the awkward silence that sometimes occurs at the end of telephone conversations when we aren't entirely sure if we should say it or not....at least, that's what it is from my perspective. It's like indicative of the fact that we do love each other, but we haven't quite felt out whether it's something we should be saying all the time, if it's going to make the other one uncomfortable, if it's important. I love it, I love the drama that goes along with the word. I love "love" for the first time in a while. I love Jeff and life is good, no matter what I say when things are bad.

Eventually this will be about other , non-jeff aspects of my life again, but lately missing him has become a pretty much full time activity. Yes, I'm sorry readers, I know that makes this NAUSEATING, floyd is probably taking tums as we speak, but you can all feel lucky that you aren't Rich Kid, who is fucking smart not to come.

Normally I'd be bothered beyond belief to write this shit about someone, knowing full well that he will be reading it at some point, coming to seek out the link to the Chantilly lace excerpt. (There are SO few I would take the time to re-post that for) But I don't think I care if he knows that my life, at least temporarily, is revolving aroung the hope that I'll see him again soon. I don't think I care who knows. What the fuck does it matter, it makes me happy, it keeps me sane? Jeff is my anchor.......


"I fell directly in love with you
I did not stop, I did not pass go, I did not collect 200 dollars.
I looked at you, and gravity let go of me
And I was held to earth by your gaze.

I stay now for the roll of the dice
I may pass you on the street one day
The play of the cards
I may one day be your queen of hearts
And the ever-beating hope
That I am your anchor, too."


I didn't write that for Jeff. Not at all....I, in fact, have no idea who I wrote that to, or if it was even to anyone who actually existed. And if it were a better poem, I'd actually be concerned, but as it is, it's not good enough to care about. My best stuff is all for Elorza, I haven't even written anything for Jeff except the "4 points for Jeff" poetry assignment. And some prose. And the imood entry, which was vaguely poetic. "Inspired" was the base mood and I went on for what was two or three pages of notebook paper, but I do have big handwriting.

"Safety. It’s about safety. It’s about having no question whether the tide will rise and fall
on schedule and the sun will follow the moon as expected when I’m with you, and the
realization that everything else in the world is details. My desire to be touching you
drives me through the hours and the aching for the muscles that contort my visage into a
message of contentment -absolute contentment- to be working makes me eat, and sleep,
and bathe too much.
I wish you could feel this the way the paper does as I slobber my fleeting words against
it. I wish you could understand what it is to be so satisfied by someone. I wish I could
whisper it into your ear while lying prostrate across you like the very top of a grassy hill,
and perhaps I can. Perhaps I will. The world is as it should be- the sun will chase the
moon tonight, the tide will rise and fall, and all other patterns of life, love, and being, all
other precedented doubts, let them end with you!
I love you more than I know how to punctuate. I can’t make this breath of sweetness
audible. I can’t communicate it to your senses, so be wary with your soul. You are my
relief. You are my motivation. If you were my everything, disappointment would be a
thing that poets wrote about. You are significance; let me end in you."

That's, like, half of it. It was all like that, and it makes me happy to read it. A lot of things are making me happy right now. How novel, how wonderful. How precarious.

My name is Linda and I take perhaps more risks than I should, but one instance of knowledge of something so satiating, so inescapably flawless....it's worth anything I have to risk. ~On with it~!