Monday, February 02, 2004

"When we met, light was shed."

Third Eye Blind's Deep Inside of You. Not a song I think a lot about, but when I select it as my MP3 of choice distractedly, it always sucks me in. It's gotta be in my top twenty songs of all time, if only for the four minutes and ten seconds it plays.

"When we met, light was shed."

For the moment, my favorite line of a lifetime. All that matters. Everything. Just until I'm done with this entry.

"When we met, light was shed."

I always was about the thrill of falling love with people. Over and over again. Meeting them and realizing, slowly, that they've become the person you talk about obsessively, the person you want to be online every time you get on, the person you wish you could call (but feel unentitled, more or less.) The first time you find out they're talking about you obsessively, too, on their side of the world. The first time you want to tell them you love them but can't. The first time they tell you.

"When we met, light was shed."

I'm not even talking about romantic love. I guess I'm not. With me, there's always a certain amount of attraction between me and my male friends, at least at some point. I don't know whether or not I wish there wasn't. Makes for that trippy elation, that "Boy make girl feel good" beauty. But, oh, love is love is love is love.

"When we met, light was shed."

I have this ability to devote myself entirely to the person I'm writing about at any one particular time, even if any other time in my life they're a detail, or someone I've given my every effort to devote myself to entirely, but couldn't. When I write, it's all one person, or else some fictional being made up of a collection of perfect moments with similar themes that I've shared with maybe a hundred people I've felt the same way about at one time or another. Sometimes it matters, sometimes it doesn't-- now, I don't think so. It's all about that feeling that you and someone are really making a connection, that incredible high that this is someone you're going to love your whole life long, whether or not it's pretty, whether or not it's hard, whether or not it's healthy or rational or worthwhile. Whether or not it's true.

"I never felt alone till I met you."

"And I don't want to call you, but then I want to call you
'Cause I don't want to crush you, but I feel like crushing you,
And it's true, I took for granted you were with me."

"Something's gone, you've withdrawn, I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go no where, I burn candles and stare at a ghost
Deep inside of you.
And some great need in me starts to bleed.
I've lost myself, there is nothing left,
It's all gone, deep inside of you."

God, I don't know what I'm going for anymore. I'm typing for the sake of typing, of losing control of the words and letting some element of truth come out that I can't even recognize but I'm sure must be in there somewhere.

"When we met, light was shed."

I love the way people you love can steal your faith back in a minute, in a second once you've lost it in them. All they have to do is say one thing to make you believe-- I want emphasis on that word, believe-- that they don't want you to walk away. All they have to do is tell you they love you just once, maybe not in so many words, maybe it's just a look, a sigh, a touch-- god, it's been a long time since I've been touched. (I'm devoting myself entirely, remember? Zack doesn't even exist, as far as this post is concerned. Just shadows of people all misintrepreted and glorified and made into one person that I miss so badly but have so closely at the same time.) One complement, one gift, one favor-- I love the way that suddenly I come crashing back into them whereas before I was running at my top speed in the other direction. I love the way it feels to suddenly love someone again.

"When we met, light was shed."

It's like you get to relive the beginning. You get to feel all the dizzying light again. You get the full effect of every
fantastic thing they said in the beginning to make you gradually know you wanted them to be next to you forever all at once.

"Boy make girl feel good."

I never felt alone, till I met you. I'm already on my own, the moment I left you. And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming.

I don't want to crush you, but I feel like crushing you.

We were broken, didn't know it.

Christ, is anyone following me anymore? Maybe the imaginary person I've devoted the post to. The person I'd work my whole life never to get over. The person I would never, ever want to disillusion me. The person I need as much as I need air, the person who quite possibly doesn't exist.

"I've lost myself, there is nothing left, it's all gone
Deep inside of you."

Till next time light is shed, my fantom. On with it.