I think I'm pretty numb lately.

I've had some people telling me things that normally would affect me, and right now they just come off as.....either nothing at all or just kinda obnoxious. I have not been accepting complements or feeling love- I'm sort of stuck in between high and low right now. And to me, staying there is worse than being low.

Not that I haven't been having a decently good time. Denny's last night was pretty cool...well, walking through auburn at night with Nick, standing outside of Chris's house, getting scared of every freaking noise and having to pee, that was probably the highlight. Oh, oh, but the movie Dirty Work is fucking awesome. I have to return that today, don't I? Damn.

Ben has "noticed I'm away, however, sent me a message just to harass me". I miss Ben, his physical presence, that is. Along with the physical presence of most every male friend I have. Another reason why Denny's last night ruled- lounging on Nick, holding chris's hand- he has the softest skin- wearing Nick's hat and Chris's glasses. Chris's stare and Nick's squin- uh, I mean "glare". I am perfectly content to hang out with guys my whole life. To be the Kate O'Brian of every group.

I just put on "The World I Know" by Collective Soul...oh, THIS is good for me. But if I can get really really fucking depressed, then I'll be out of this damned middle ground. Next stop: Champagne High by Sister Hazel. Fucking....painful.

No one was home except for my dad to pick me up from work today. He came and we went to rite aid and then we bought ice cream. He asked me what was pina colada flavored and if it had ice cream in it. I special ordered it for him so that it would. This may sound like a bonding experience, but it was, in reality, silent and awkward. Cathy's always saying the reason he doesn't love us is that he sees us as ungrateful- he worked his way up from being very poor when he was young and we don't understand all the luxury his money brings us, so we don't think to thank him enough for it. I made a point to tell him thank you for the ice cream.

"Thank you."
"What'd *mumble mumble*?"
"What?"
"What'd you say?"
"Thank you."
"Oh."

Perhaps he hasn't had enough practice saying "you're welcome.". Perhaps I wasn't welcome.

When we got in the house he started searching for money for something, and asked me if there was any in the house. I asked him how much, for what? He said a few bucks, for a haircut. I knew I had a few bucks left for the week from last night, so I went to find it for him, but I couldn't. I searched everywhere, but my miserable three dollars or whatever was missing. I found a dollar fifty or so in change, and I gave that to him, apologizing because I didn't know where the rest was. He didn't say anything.

"Wagon's been hitched to a star
Well, he'll be your thing that's new
What little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old, and I'm blue."

My mother came home a few minutes ago, and as I was halfway done with that paragraph, he came in here and returned my $1.52 in change. I said thank you. He said nothing and left. I wish I could cry.

Where will I be when I stop wondering why?

My name is Linda and I just don't know anymore. On with it.

Let's break this down:

I have the friends that expect FAR too much of me.
The friends who don't let me show them how much they can expect from me.
The friends that are so impressed by what I already showed them that they expect me to give out anytime. (And may very well be right)
And the friends that take me for what I give them, as I give it...fucking ay, I love you, Jeff.



Damn me and my inability to just go to bed. And the fact that I have to get up tomorrow morning...the fact that I can't just sleep until I'm so bored of it that I actually feel like facing that god awful world.

Yes, that's right, I fucking hate the world. Yet again. But I love my boys. Trick is getting them to love me.

My name is Linda and I'm out. On with it.

Not really cool right now.

Nick's father came and got him early, and while I'll probably see him in an hour, I apparently miss him. This would bother me, except that I don't mind being needy in the direction of Nick, as has always strived to see me, include me in his life, and be included in mine. He really should be a fab five....stupendous six. Whatever. I'll have to review that.

I love that he knows, and apparently likes, Angel Eyes by the Jeff Healy Band.

"So tonight, *mumbles*
Stars above
How did I ever win your love?
What did I do?
What did I say?
To turn your Angel Eyes my way."



I don't think I've felt as though anyone loves me that way since I left Mark- I remember it always made me happy while I was with him, whether or not he knew about it, because he made me feel as though he was astounded, and wordlessly amazed, that I could love him, that he was worthy. I think I loved that about him, perhaps more than anything else.

Don't get me wrong....I don't want to fab five to try to make me feel this way......I love them, and I understand that there isn't anything wrong with them realizing WHY I love them. It's almost sick that I want them to be astonished by my ability to see the beauty in them. But sometimes a girl wants to feel, you know, in a league of her own.

I couldn't even picture Mark loving anyone else. That was good. That's why I trusted him so damn much, I think.

Now, of course, Rich Kid is going to take this whole thing to heart and try to edit himself to make me feel that way, not understanding that some things have their place, and it's with other people. But this isn't even purely about romance....it's about love, in general. Not that I need to ward off the efforts of the rest of the fab five to give me this feeling again- they aren't proactive. (I edited this from the entirely unfair thought that I really have, which was: "They don't give enough of a shit about me." Yes, virginia, I am an irrational bitch.)


I'm resenting so much right now. I want to be held. Not by Rich Kid. Not by Emily. Someone...I don't know, protective somehow. Big brother figure. Something like that. I want my hair stroked, I want to be told that it will all be alright.

"You're the best- exclamation point."


Oh, god. I want Greg.


A lot.


My name is Linda and "I don't know why, but I'm feeling so sad. I long to try, something I never had. Got a moon above me, but there's no one to love me, lover man oh where can you be?" On with it.

hehehehehehehe, nick does not like coldness. He makes the following noise when one melts an ice cube against the back of his neck: "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

I should point out, however, he does not do it in Nick's voice, he does it in the voice of a 60-year-old female cartoon character.

Hey...Nick....guess what? That's wet now. ;-)

Now I've put on Limp Bizkit just to bother him, and he's really regretting coming over.


He touched the end of my nose. *spazzes* He must die.

MY name is Linda, and I must kill Nick. On with it.

Short update- Nick's here, I can't be on for long.

I can't walk. My legs keep giving out beneath me from all that running yesterday. All that less than two miles.....ugh.


Listening to Anna Begins. I had a dream last night with Jenn and Andrew and Chris, and it ended with me just totally blowing up at Andrew about certain things.....it was tremendously realistic.

Anna Begins HURTS LIKE A BITCH right now.

"Then I start to think about the consequences
I don't get no sleep
In a quiet room."

damn.

I gotta bathe. Yes, I'm aware Nick's here. You think I give a fuck? Exhibitionist....or at least I like to think so.

My name is Linda and I'm dirty...on so many levels. On with it!

My head and my stomach are competing for the prestigious title of "Most in pain of Linda's body's parts.". I'm not sure who's winning. Perhaps if we take an in-depth look of WHY each of these body parts are in pain.

-My stomach- My stomach likes to be in pain. It's a hobby.

-My Head- My head is throbbing, in my opinion, for a much more overt reason, and I shalll slowly, painfully tell you why.

I survived Ice Storm '98
I survived THE MONSTER roller coaster at Busch Gardens, Alaska.

And the newest addition to the collection:

I survived the move "Magnolia"

AAAAAAH! *watches as all run away, screaming in terror.*

That was simply the most mind-melting cinematic experience ever. I don't want to give away all the delicious details, but let me make this perfectly clear- DO NOT watch this movie unless you're on some kinda of drug. While watching it, I wasn't entirely sure that I was NOT on some kind of drug. After the movie, I NEEDED some kind of drug.

While it's cinematography is, no doubt, excellent, and their is potential for deeper meaning, a sober person should not view this film unless it's an attempt to punish themselves for something.

"I can't believe it, I just hit a guy and kept driving! He could be hurt! He could be bleeding...or dead! Oh, what can I do? I would turn myself in, but I have a wife and family to support......little Timmy's operation! I can't go to prison! But how will I ever live with the guilt? What could be ample punishment. What's this? Magnolia is on pay-per-view tonight? Oh, thank you god! Thank you! *starts to sob*"

I don't know, though....unless that guy hit the man, got out of the car, stole his wallet, raped him, THEN kept driving, I still think he should stop about 45 minutes before the end. He's had it hard enough.

I kept myself entertained, at least. Towards the end of the movie, I just kept picturing a drunken group of female (sometimes gay) frogs in a karioke bar singing "It's raining men"---- that would have been a lot more amusing had I been able to say someone else thought it.


At any rate, should you decide to watch the movie, I'll give you a preview of what it's like: go to www.zoppo.com and sit there for a good hour. You'll see.

My name is Donnie Smith and I have love to give! (Not really) On with it!

"You make me come
You make me complete
You make my completely miserable."
~Lit


Started to write this, then realized I MUST do my newsletter sometime tonight, so I'll just say the boring emotional shit I wouldn't put in it:

AAAAUGH! HATE BEING NEEDY!!!!
And....uh....think that's it. Well, that works.

If y'ain't signed up for the newsletter, you are missing out. *Really. So send me a little somethin' somethin at lindah@cs.com and I'll sign ya right up. Ya.

*not really

My name is Linda and my teeth feel funny. On with it!

P.S.- Yes, emily, I'm satiated.

Read yesterday's 10:13 entry than click here to know what the fuck I'm talking about. That'll only work till she updates, though.

My name is Linda, and I'm REALLY going this time.

It's come to my attention that BOTH of the fab five members that I used to be desperately in love with are now with.....girls who used to be their best friends with relative ease as I was struggling to mean anything to them, on any degree they would give, platonically or romantically.


If I weren't so damned good at getting over people, this would bother me. -Please refer to last entry- (IE- the part where I talked about Jon and Steenson, two guys who treated me like shit and yet I still harbor some amount of emotions for simply because I NEVER completely get over people)

Let's complete the circle- I'll fall in love with Jeff and he'll get back together with Kristen, Emily will start dating.....ah, shit, I don't know, Nikki (sp.) or something, and then Rich Kid can dump me for Amber.

This, of course, is me being drama-queen-esque: I am as over as Jeremey and Elorza as I ever am over anyone, and I am exceedingly happy for both of them. Three cheers for the happy couples!

Hip hip hooray! (Jeff will get the hidden irony there, that is, if he ever reads this....and if elorza is reading this, jeff probably isn't, because this is a backwards world we live in, and I'm the backwards queen.....hmmm, I like that. Sounds like female pink floyd lyrics.)


I PROMISED myself I'd be in bed by 1:30. Note the time I posted this.

My name is Linda and I'm no good at keeping deals I make with myself. On with it!

So pissed at the internet. I just got an e-mail from Serena- a forward that probably THOUSANDS of people have seen by now, and at least 90% of it was stolen straight from George Carlin's acts without citing him at all. Bastards!

Derek's entire info is a quote by Einstein, but he didn't mention that either. Bastard!

hate Hate HATE HATE being needy, but I reeeeeeaaally am. And I stretch the same words that Emily generally would.... I wonder if she got that from me or I got that from her. Either way......I miss him in the weeping of the rain, I want him in the shrinking of the tide.

That was a quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay, by the way....I don't attempt to take credit for her genius the way some would plaguerize Carlin, single greatest comedic mind on earth. In the context of the sonnet, it wouldn't apply to this situation, as he's someone I haven't actually lost yet.

Oh, hold me now, I feel contagious!....
Don't fall away
And leave me to myself
Don't fall away
And leave love bleedin' in my hands
In my hands again.
(Fuel)

I must be in a musical...../poetic mood tonight. UGH! HATE HATE HATE HATE being needy. I'm supposed to be independent....I've been forcing myself, for a long damned time now, to be independent. A whole shitload of sacrifice comes along with never ever wanting another person to the extent that you would cease to function without them, trust me, but I've pretty much done it.

And, hey, I'm still functioning now, just needily. Damn damn damn.

A second link has been added to Elorza's profile that suggests he's been here- another blogger site. Plastic Bollocks or something. Hold on, I'm checking this out.

Okay, I didn't get that at all. At all. Kinda had the reaction anyone reading this site who didn't know me would have...but, honestly, who the hell would check this site that didn't know me? (Now, to get onto what I was going to say yesterday, which fits NICELY right here.) It astounds me...wait, let me try that again: It ASTOUNDS me even just that Elorza has been here. I always presumed he really didn't give a fuck what I said/thought/felt/etc. That he took me as this altruistic force who was obviously a better person than him (his assumed opinion, not my own) but really not interesting enough to care about talking to/reading about/bothering with in general, beyond the obligatory.

Perhaps that's not true. It feels true. But I know I didn't ALWAYS feel that way. Things were great last summer.....amazing. Flawless. I was still convinced that I could be completely giving if I cared about someone enough. Then I fucked up with him......I guess it'd never even registered before that there is shit I actually WON'T put up with....had never know. Certainly didn't find out through Jeremey. Put up with soooo much from Jeremey.

J: "Linda, I'm completely incompetent as to how to act around anyone at all with breasts....except you....but that's because I could never think of you sexually, I knew you before you were pretty!"
L: "You think I'm pretty?"
J: "Uh....I can't answer that question. It might be complementary to you, I can't do that. It's in my contract. I can shrug if you like. Want me to shrug?"
L: *sigh* "Nevermind. What do you need help with?"
J: "Okay, how to I approach her?"
L: "Just think of something to sa-"
J: "No, I mean, approach her. Get close enough to her so that she can hear me speak. Be in her proximity."
L: "Uh...first, you have to look for her."
J: "SHIT! How?"
L: "....with your eyes."
J: "Eyes? BRILLIANT! Let me make a note of that. Okay, once I do that...."
L: *ahem* "Walk over to her."
J: "....w.....alk?"
L: "That thing you do with your feet."
J: "Holy shit, is that what it is?"

I could go on for a while. It comes as a much-needed relief that Jeremey has finally taken enough notes to work on his own and, yes, land himself a victi- *ahem* girlfriend. Let's all give props to Kacie, who must be exceedingly patient to be going through with this.

J: *taps her on her shoulder*
K: "What now, Jeremey?"
J: *whispers* "What am I supposed to say to you when I first see you?"
K: *siiiiigh* "Say "Hi", Jeremey."
J: "AH, of course!" *scribbles fervently at notepad. "You ready?"
K: "Yes, I'm ready. Go ahead."
J: "HI JEREMEY!"
K: *siiiiiigh*


Jeremey was complaining a few days ago that I do not bash him enough in my newsletter...which y'all should be subscribed to. I hope this makes up for it.

I gotta get around to doing that, too. It's been a while.

It's been a while for a lot of things...HATE HATE HATE being needy.

I just went through this whole big-ass thing about wanting Jon to check my page and songs that still remind me of jeremy steenson, and talking to myself, and all that bullshit, and I don't feel like writing it again, because Elorza has IMed me as he so rarely does- getting better though he is- and I want to devote some attention to him. So, yeah, let's overview:
I'm a pathetic loser.
And now you all know about it.

My name is Linda and I am not ashamed of......the fact that I really should be ashamed. On with it!