I think I'm pretty numb lately.

I've had some people telling me things that normally would affect me, and right now they just come off as.....either nothing at all or just kinda obnoxious. I have not been accepting complements or feeling love- I'm sort of stuck in between high and low right now. And to me, staying there is worse than being low.

Not that I haven't been having a decently good time. Denny's last night was pretty cool...well, walking through auburn at night with Nick, standing outside of Chris's house, getting scared of every freaking noise and having to pee, that was probably the highlight. Oh, oh, but the movie Dirty Work is fucking awesome. I have to return that today, don't I? Damn.

Ben has "noticed I'm away, however, sent me a message just to harass me". I miss Ben, his physical presence, that is. Along with the physical presence of most every male friend I have. Another reason why Denny's last night ruled- lounging on Nick, holding chris's hand- he has the softest skin- wearing Nick's hat and Chris's glasses. Chris's stare and Nick's squin- uh, I mean "glare". I am perfectly content to hang out with guys my whole life. To be the Kate O'Brian of every group.

I just put on "The World I Know" by Collective Soul...oh, THIS is good for me. But if I can get really really fucking depressed, then I'll be out of this damned middle ground. Next stop: Champagne High by Sister Hazel. Fucking....painful.

No one was home except for my dad to pick me up from work today. He came and we went to rite aid and then we bought ice cream. He asked me what was pina colada flavored and if it had ice cream in it. I special ordered it for him so that it would. This may sound like a bonding experience, but it was, in reality, silent and awkward. Cathy's always saying the reason he doesn't love us is that he sees us as ungrateful- he worked his way up from being very poor when he was young and we don't understand all the luxury his money brings us, so we don't think to thank him enough for it. I made a point to tell him thank you for the ice cream.

"Thank you."
"What'd *mumble mumble*?"
"What?"
"What'd you say?"
"Thank you."
"Oh."

Perhaps he hasn't had enough practice saying "you're welcome.". Perhaps I wasn't welcome.

When we got in the house he started searching for money for something, and asked me if there was any in the house. I asked him how much, for what? He said a few bucks, for a haircut. I knew I had a few bucks left for the week from last night, so I went to find it for him, but I couldn't. I searched everywhere, but my miserable three dollars or whatever was missing. I found a dollar fifty or so in change, and I gave that to him, apologizing because I didn't know where the rest was. He didn't say anything.

"Wagon's been hitched to a star
Well, he'll be your thing that's new
What little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old, and I'm blue."

My mother came home a few minutes ago, and as I was halfway done with that paragraph, he came in here and returned my $1.52 in change. I said thank you. He said nothing and left. I wish I could cry.

Where will I be when I stop wondering why?

My name is Linda and I just don't know anymore. On with it.