A jazz trio version of "accustomed to her face" from......fuck....My Fair Lady is playing right now, and existence itself is so shoddy and unsatisfying that it should be classified with certain types of mold.

Hating life would be a step up, at least it would be interesting to find some contempt in everyone and everything. This I am simply bored with. And tired out of my mind.

The thought of taking my own life has, once again, taken it's place within my thought pattern. Right there next to dreading work, hating school, and loving Millay, Ani, and Matchbox Twenty is the desire to shove off this mortal coil. I used to say things like that because I hoped someone would rush to my aide. This happened very rarely. Anyone who ever made the conscious effort to keep me alive is no longer in my life at all....I miss Max. I had hoped to see him sometime and make plans with him back when I was still okay and tell him that I was good, that I no longer was obsessive or a stalker or a suicidal drama queen. If I were to see him again now the conversation would pretty much consist of me telling him...how much I've backtracked. How I don't even really want to be saved anymore.

"And in my hour of need
I truly am, indeed
Alone again, naturally."
-Gilbert O'Sullivan

By my own doing, admittedly....

I have no evidence that jeff is even still alive....he sent me an e-mail on the 20th, I sent one back about half an hour into the 21st and instructed him to call me to claim me whenever he wanted to see me- I gave him the option of any day this week. And sunday. Tomorrow is sunday and maybe Jeff has died....no one would think to tell me, as I do not belong in his circle of friends at all. Same goes for elorza, but I talk to elorza somewhat more regularly......wouldn't THINK that would be the case.

I need Jeff in a way I do not consciously let myself need anyone. Think I'd blow off my whole life for him. Maybe even the rest of the fab five.....sorta feels that way right now, but if that's not exactly the sort of elitist thought that I'm not supposed to have, or at least express, when it comes to them, I don't know what is. Probably not true, either, but damn...........I get weird without him.

He probably knows I need him. It probably freaks him out. He's probably trying to get rid of me. I'm probably a paranoid bullshit.

I rented Breakfast at Tiffany's along with American Pie today and have not watched either, but desperately want to be watching Breakfast at Tiffany's, so I may just go do that. Or freak out. Or drug myself and collapse for an indefinite period of inconsciousness.

Yeah, that sounds good.

My name is Linda, and I spelled "good" six times before gettting there. Guess I'm not really familiar with the word. On with it.