Good moods don't last long.

"I don't know what it is about you
I just know it's not what it was.
And I don't know why red fades before blue
It just does."
-Ani, Sorry I Am (I think)


With each passing day I seem to have less and less faith in the ability of a group of five to make me happy. Jeremey and Elorza remain as distant, however good-intentioned, as they always were. Entirely untouchable people, complete opposites in many ways, entirely the same in others. Jeff and I haven't spoken or seen each other in more than two weeks, and our correspondence has been in the form of a limited amount of e-mails. I fear that perhaps he's been to this god-forsaken site and got offended, but I'd like to think he knows me better than to ever take anything insulting I said about him seriously at all.....he is the best human being I know to exist...well, possible exception of Nick, but I can't pretend that there is anything I wouldn't do for Jeff, and I can't pretend that I even have the ability to give myself that entirely to anyone I've known for such a short as Nick. Em is still beautiful, funny, supportive, and quintessentially female as ever, and she is my best hope for survival....but I've spent the day with her now, and I come back feeling lonelier than ever, if only because I cannot stand to hear myself bitch when she is near, if only because I work to keep the adoration she so amply has for me. Rich Kid.....I find myself thinking of him less and less when he's not here, and that's dangerous. He'll be hurt to read that if he didn't already know....but I'm working on it, I swear......no, that's a lie. I intend to. My point is that I can't lie to the internet whether or not he's part of it. This is the place I go to be real....when it's not the place I go to be fake.

I remember distinctly a few years ago, when emily and I were dating, walking home one night and hearing my mom screaming for some reason or another from the outside of my house, and hoping to a metaphorical god that I could find the courage to keep walking past that asylum, to go on into the night, find something on the other side of it that would fit me a little better. Tonight, walking home, the dark silence that left me to my thoughts was such an obtrusive enemy that if had had to walk through it for a moment longer than I did I would have fallen to my knees begging mercy from the soundless voices...."no light but rather darkness present" or whatever Dante said. With each though my disdain for myself outgrew my disdain for the fact that my reasons to return to my own life grow smaller with each passing minute....I needed to escape and still do, but to what, to wear? I would have to bring myself with me.

"and I'm so
terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
it's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
it's me, and I can't get myself to go away
oh God I shouldn't feel this way"

Matchbox Twenty, Long Day. There was a time in life I wanted nothing more than for Jeremey to tell me that song, for him, was for me. Certain lyrics. "I'm sorry bout the attitude I need to give when I with you but no one else will take this shit from me." All I ever wanted to be for him was the person he could depend on no matter what....I can't even depend on myself anymore. Matchbox Twenty wrote about a thousand songs that applied to him and I, including my favorite song of all time, Push. I'd quote it, but I've quoted to much already, and I'm not even really sad about him. Maybe just the lack of his being an assett to me, like everyone else right now.

Leave, yet another song by the great MB20, is Mr. Ladd.... I had a correspondence with him tonight and yesterday night.....well, in reverse order.....everything in life hurts so much. I need to go to bed. I wish it were sunday so I could sleep late tomorrow morning and when I awoke, Nick would be there to say stupid, stupid things and make me feel.....distract me, anyway. He tries. I love him. Maybe he loves me, too. Maybe the whole world does. Wouldn't matter.

"It's aggravating
how you threw me on
and you tore me out
how your good intentions turn to doubt
the way you needed time to sort it out

Tell me is that how it's going to end
when you know you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
and the one you're leaving out"

My name is Linda and my elbow hurts, but that's pretty much the best of it. On with it.