Two visiters, as well as the fact that Mike wasn't a manager, but a rather burnt-out BK cook, made last night not only bearable, but one of the most enjoyable nights of work I've ever experienced.

First to drop by was Mark, who brought me a blueberry muffin and chocolate milk from Tim Horton's. It's little considerations like that that I'm really going to miss about him when he leaves for Farmington tomorrow- the end of the summer is coming on strong.

Mark was there for about an hour and left somewhere around midnight, I would guess. Having got there at nine, I had pretty much nothing from my long list of night shift duties done by the time he left- he and I had taken a look at the list and decided I could easily accomplish all of it in two, maybe two-and-a-half hours. I don't know how much truer this might have been were I not distracted, an hour later, by Zack's arrival. Suffice to say, however, that with Zack there, it definitely wasn't true. Spending maybe the first forty-five minutes that Zack was there with my attention divided equally between him and those petty annoyances known as customers, I started working on the list at 2:15, and at 7:15, when he drove me home, it wasn't completed.

It's enough of an accomplishment to me, though, to know that I was paid for....certain moments of distraction. Or something like this.

I need to get some shit talked about to someone who deserves to know, because I'd really rather not have to keep going along being so damn ambiguous. Not that everyone hasn't figured out the little mystery already. But I think I have an e-mail to write.

On with it.

FieryGwenivere: Zack's fine
Mitch: thats good
Mitch: he's in my study hall
FieryGwenivere: is he then? nice
FieryGwenivere: when's that?
Mitch: 7 th period
FieryGwenivere: which moniter?
Mitch: Mrs B
FieryGwenivere: nice. I'll have to come visit you both sometime
Mitch: excellent. while you're at it, you can vsit becky too
Mitch: she sits right next to me
Mitch: did that drop the idea?
FieryGwenivere: Why would it? I like Becky
Mitch: thats good
FieryGwenivere: she made me nervous at first, but all girlfriends do that. And as far as they go, she's one of the cooler ones I've met
Mitch: thats good to know
FieryGwenivere: you must keep in mind, I'm not out to attempt to seduce you or whatever simply because I happen to find you attractive. I happen to find a lot of people attractive
Mitch: no matter what, you're comming to my weding and you're gonna dance with me


I find that awesome. Mitch is so great. He and I had a conversation a while back during which he asked if I was attracted to him and I told him, essentially, yes, but he's too good of a friend for me to ever hit on- as more than friends, we would have no chance, no future, no anything. He seems to have taken the conversation as indication that he needs to point out, every chance he gets, that he has a girlfriend, but I'm not about to hit on Mitch. The fact that he would go so far to be tactful, though, is adorable, as is just the idea of dancing at him with his wedding....even just BEING at his wedding. I love that he values me so much.

And on an even better note, my long, albeit undocumented, search for someone to accompany me to New York has seemingly come to an end- Heather, a friend of mine that, as of late, I have had somewhat unsatisfactory amounts of contact with, will be my travelling partner. Now all I have to do is make the reservations for the hotel and by bus tickets, as well as tickets to "Rent". The fact that I'm going to see "Rent" has not just a few people very jealous of me. Originally, the Broadway tickets were intended just to bribe Jenn to come accompany me so that I would be able to be there for the reason I really want to be there- the first anniversary of september 11th. Jenn, however, declined the idea of going to that and said we should save our travels for another time, so I then invited Emily, who entertained the idea for a short time but ultimately said no. Heather, as of yet, doesn't know of my plans to devote at least a few hours to whatever ceremony the city will be holding, but since I am paying for 75, if not 80 or 90 percent of the trip, I doubt she'll be uncooperative.

Speaking of paying for things, I must go work towards funding this trip. It's my first overnight shift at Burger King, and I look forward to ten straight hours alone with some manager from another store named "Mike". I also look forward to using up the batteries on my cd player.

So good to be detachted from the world around you...and payed for it! On with it.

The biggest, best laugh of the week is today's quote of the day, coming directly to us from The Pit, as supplied by Mal-

"Wed Aug 28 21:04:26 GMT 2002
(from:) Mal
(to:) Suede

How do you possibly put up with this guy?

Gag him with a sock and pretend he's a mute?

Tell him to 'shut up and lick' as soon as he walks through the door?

Pretend he's speaking in figurative language and invent intelligent, symbolic meanings for winners like 'Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...I love big bold letters' ??

Come now, enquiring minds want to know."

He is referring, as none of you will know, to Zack, who's pit personality- Phillis- is not exactly everyone's favorite guy, as he basically stops in once in a while to post random bullshit punctuated entirely with ellipses (...) and making no sense to the outside world whatsoever. Mal, who has so far taken offense to every romantic interest of mine who wanders into the pit- including "Pedia" or "Einsames" (Jeff), with whom he fought for days over...well, it started off as Metallica, then became several different issues entirely, and "Tactless Wonder" (Chad), who never really did anything to anybody, but whom I seem to remember Mal having at least one run in with- is the number one anti-phillis of the pit. Seemingly, Mal just thinks I can do better than these people.

But, Mal baby, you're married. Everything better's already taken, remember?

(For the sake of my readers, I must inform that that is hardly a serious comment- Mal and I have a symbiotic relationship which involves mutual ego-stroking and long-winded writing talks, as well as the occasional arrogant piss-duel. But I love my demon, just the same.)

So, yes, as they say on the pit. "*cack* @ Mal".

And as they say here, "on with it."

As if to prove to the rest of the world that they are wrong, we CAN do it, last night with Jeff was great. From Tin Tin, our place, where we shoved strawberry jello from the buffet straight into my jacket pockets in sentiment to the top of the parking garage where we ended up throwing it to the streets below, from the car ride spent screaming "INDIANA ROCKS" at the top of our lungs my bathroom, serenading my pajama-clad sister with a bad rendition of Etheridge's "The Only One", the chemistry between us didn't falter once. Granted, it was difficult- after nine months, it's hard to remember, all of a sudden that no, you aren't allowed to kiss someone, and yeah, maybe you should pull away from that embrace before it becomes questionable. But between our mutual efforts and joking reminders that things we used to do without thought are now "inappropriate", we did good. And it was great.

It's been a long time since I've been able to hang out with him without feeling the strain of thoughts like "What if I'm about to hurt this magnificient human being? What if I really screw up?", and finally being relieved of that, knowing that I've finally done the right, if extremely painful, thing...that makes things between he and I easier and better and more enjoyable for me. I keep having to remind myself that he's not in the same place as I am- that he didn't have any great relief to be found in the end of our relationship, but I think the difference in it for me is positive, in it's own way, for both of us. I guess I really don't know if he'd disagree, but aside from a few delicate moments, last night felt better- more relaxed, more fun- than things have between us for a while. None of my zoning out to wonder about the validity of us, the deservingness of me, or how awful the end might finally be. Just he and I, the way we always were, the way- I hope- we always will be.

Last night reminded me very, very clearly of why I fell so totally in love with him, and why it's worth it to make sure that that doesn't happen again. He's one of the best friends I've ever had, or could ever hope for.

Oh, and INDIANA ROCKS!!!!! On with it.

Being that it's 9:44, and I have to start getting ready for work at 10, I won't work to make this a long, beautiful post that will impress, well, Mal. (Hi, Mal! You still reading?) But I wanted to point out a couple of things- A: work and social life have been ass-raping me to the point where I've barely been online, and this makes me feel bad because I haven't had the chance to reply to the e-mails of several people that I've really wanted to, so hang in there, I'll get back to you I swear. And, uh, B: Last night was the shit. Ben and Nick and- here's a shocker- Zack were over, and we had entirely too much fun hanging out in my room messing around with one of my...possesions. There was a beautiful quote of the day that I can't post, lest I should offend someone who wasn't even briefly related, and so I shall use the stand in quote of the day, though without context-
"If this thing were stiffer, I could duel you!"
~Nick

With too much of the delicious detail of last night's seemingly drunken get together in my boudoir, I would give away a magnificiently evil plan that we conspired last night...can one "conspire" a plan, or do they conspire to come up with a plan? I'll never fucking know. Either way....when it's all done with, I will give all the detail I possibly can. It's gonna rock.

On with it.

Nick was over last night. Nice change of pace- not that I don't appreciate the twenty-four hour Zack network, but I'm the type of person who needs variety...or something.

He and I went for a walk, then rented some playstation games at Movieland, came home and played them for a while, went out to eat, came back, more playstation, then music and conversation and such for a while and he left. Somewhat mundane, but I get along better with him than with a lot of people. Doesn't take a whole hell of a lot of action to keep me interested when I'm with my auburn boys. I hope I get to see more of him and the other two before college starts for them.

Kris moved to Kittery about a week ago. He and I never saw each other in person all that often, but that kinda sucked. I can't really miss him all that much, since I never saw him often in the first place, but the idea that he's so far away is depressing.
Jeremiah Freed's "Again" is a song I've become recently hooked on. I think I was at work once and it came on, and- having seen them in person, and talked to them in person, and just had a fairly great hands-on Jeremiah Freed experience in general, I was fairly happy about...that, I don't know where my sentence went...point being, I downloaded and it's great.

"And please if you know
Don't tell me
And please if you know
Don't tell me
'Cause I know that it's the same
When they all come back again
You'd think I'd know by now
And I know it's in the plan
When my heart is in my hands
Again."

Anyway, fuck this post, this is so bad and pointless. I'm gonna work on Triangle Sleep's website, being that I'm their new webmaster- whether or not all of them are mutually aware of that.

On with it.

What I was going to write got interrupted by my inability to find a word. If you know what word I'm looking for, e-mail me.

FieryGwenivere: I need help finding a word
FieryGwenivere: someone was talking about how america is uncultured, and she said- "and the simpsons does not count as culture". I'm writing the sentence "In the defense of the simpsons as a _______ aspect of culture, I have found this site that lists many quotes as well as explaining their historical references and subtle political implications..."
Kris: Integral? Vital?
FieryGwenivere: no, I want something that means "worthy of merit" or something like that
Kris: Vagina?
FieryGwenivere: Goddamn it.
Anyways, I wa s writing this to show you the site, because it rocks. Go, learn.

On with it.

In the past, I've written odes of my great, important romantic relationships at their end, to memoralize them forever as well as to work through any feelings I have of regret or self-doubt...sadness, really. I generally do it before I go to sleep that night, because, generally, I can't sleep otherwise.

Last night, after Jeff went home, having kissed me for the last time, I didn't. I, instead, took a tylenol PM, assured myself I did the right thing and thought of probably something else, maybe nothing at all, until unconsciousness shut the eyes of the dead night for me.

There's a lot to say about Jeff and I in the past. I used to think about how they should make a movie of us- something I muse about with many friends, but from the screwy, comedic way we met, into the jokes of us becoming friends, the passion of when we fell in love and finally the tear-filled good-bye last night on my porch, I think he and I lend itself to a story that should be told the best. Because it's important- when you think of the stereotypical movie, people meet, fall in love, overcome their obsticles, and stay in love for the rest of their lives...or for the rest of the movie. And we all love to hear about that- true love. But true love only happens once in a lifetime, and there's a type of love that happens before hand, maybe over and over again. And it's just as important. And it's just as wonderful. And it's a story that nobody's telling.

It's the story of two people who meet in the middle of their lives, when they both have a long way to go before any sort of conclusion can be made, and they grow together, and they unload a lot of baggage with each other, and they complement each other incredibly through their support and their mutual appreciation, and above all, their love. So they make the choice to commit to each other, and they continue being good together, throughout their trials and tribulations. But they haven't learned everything there is to learn in life yet- about love, about how to make things work forever. They haven't quite got the pattern down. So they work to improve themselves, for themselves, for each other, and they go along way....but they can't go the whole way. And after a while, it becomes clear that there's something else to learn- how to let go. And they have to walk away from each other, still loving each other, still wanting to be perfect and finished, but knowing that perfection is an illusion, and the finish is a long way off.

And they embrace, on a porch maybe, in the middle of the night maybe, and they cry a lot. And they do not want to let go, feel that they can not.

I've always had trouble in life realizing what I need to do, I always thought that was the hardest part. Last night, the follow-through sort of made all the rest seem like a child's game.

I needed to get out of my relationship with Jeff for one simple reason- I love him. I can't lose him entirely. And I could feel my control letting go of me, and I know myself, and I know my past, and I HATE IT so much...but I know who I am. And I didn't want to do the horrible things to him that I'd done before. He's too good to feel the way I've made other people feel, and I'm too good to feel that guilt again.

I'm always going to love him. I just have to learn to do it in a different way.

On with it.

It's been an emotional day.

I called two people that I haven't in a long time. One of which was Chad.

I called Chad from a cell phone in the field across from Emily's house. That's about as far as I could make it before collapsing in tears from the first call I made- to someone I shouldn't have called- from the payphone at Kitty Korner.

I'd been outside- in a post bike-riding state of exhaustion- waiting for Zack to perhaps walk by on the chance he had to work tonight, and listening to Tabitha's Secret and thinking about an e-mail I received tonight with only one word of text- wenesday. And then when I had my fill of thinking that, I began thinking of the same thing I always think, about the only person I think about every single day of my life, and in the emotional state I was in, I made the bad choice to get up and walk to kitty korner at 8:45 and to dial that number and wait for him to pick up the phone, and I asked for him, and it was him, and I just told him I was sorry for calling but....but can't you please forgive me?

And he hung up.

And I wandered back to my field and sat there for a moment, dumbfounded, and thought I'd call Ben. I never remember Ben's number though. Chad's comes naturally to me. When his dad answered, even his voice was somewhat soothing, but Chad's when he picked up had the cathardic affect it always does, and I started to cry to him...crying like I had before, when I was standing next to him in the kitchen, begging not to let this intense fucking love I had for him be reduced to some damn one-night stand, cause, damn, did I love him, and how fucking much I wanted the chance to try, to try and not make the same mistakes I had. I wanted a chance to make it all work out, and I didn't get it, but that would have been okay- then he moved on and I fucking died.

But I lived. And he and I promised that we wouldn't let our friendship get screwed. But we did. And so tonight's the first time I've heard his voice since moxie days, I think, except maybe once when I called him to get Ben's number- because I can never remember Ben's number, Chad's comes naturally to me. And I was on the phone with him and I just cried and said all the things that I wish I could tell another person- how fucking much I love you, how fucking much I think about you, how horrible it is that you won't even take it into consideration, you bastard, I love you! You fucking bastard- and I told him all that. And he told me the truth: that if there's a way for me to forget him, I should. And he plowed through my bullshit of "but I can't, I can't", except I'm not ever sure that it's bullshit, not with him, not with the way he does this to me. And eventually we got to talk about other things, and he changed my state of mind and lifted me up- slightly, maybe, because how happy can I be on the phone with him, soaking in the knowledge of the fact that he can always make me happy- and I was distracted- and waiting for Zack to come by, because Zack is really what saved me and my fucking ego from Chad, from Kara, but when we got off the phone, god, did I want to tell him that I loved him. Because I do. And whether or not it could ever be the same, I wonder if he still loves me. Just a friend, or not even.

He told me, when he had to go, that I could always come to him, and he did it in that voice that makes me love him the way I do, because damn I do, and that made me smile and that made me hurt, but everything hurts.

Zack never walked by, so I came home and got online and waited for him, and wrote bad poetry meant for the guy who hung up on me- how dare you just hang up on me- in my away message, except that it wasn't bad poetry at all. I only tend to say it was to make up for the fact that it might have been...anyway, Zach's here now, so I guess life must go on...with it.

At this point, I am only posting for the sake of letting y'all know that I do, in fact, still intend to post here and I am, in fact, not dead.

Damn....I wish I had thought more before trying to start a post. This was really very anticlimatic.

Went for a bike ride today. Turns out, I suck really badly at going uphill. I think I suck really badly at most anything physical. *Thinks about that* At anything athletic....

*Thinks about that* At anything athletic that doesn't involve harnesses or handle bars hanging from the ceiling.


Yeah, I think that might work.

On with it.