Sunday, March 03, 2002

So last night I wrote a really long entry about going to the mall with Chris and freaking out this Asian guy, not being able to access frank's pit (which I still can't seem to), missing dearly the show "The Adventures of Pete and Pete" and my unfulfilled desire to have the Polaris promo tape with the theme song as well as two others, my mother being drunk, which happens rarely, and my father sending me and my sister a forward about a poetry contest, which affected me rather deeply.

Last night I had a dream that I was having him read an essay that I had written for some reason, and he was being all fatherly and good about it, but there was this part about his and my awful relationship that I had forgotten about, so I tried to convince him I had edited everything on that part of the page out and get him to skip it, which wasn't working too well because the next page started in the middle of a sentence.

Mr. Ladd thinks dreams are indicative of what we truly want most in life or something. I'm sure that means something, but you'll have to figure it all out for yourself.

"You don't need my pictures on your wall
You said you need no one.
You don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one.
Is anybody waiting at all for you?"
~Trane, Hopeless

Mark told me to download this because supposedly it's about Adam Gaynor's sex life...or maybe someone else's, but I thought he said Adam gaynor. If I had this song on CD and a portable CD player, I would be walking through the damp streets of Lisbon listening to it, and all the other songs that once were going to grace my "Most Depressing Songs Ever" most compiliation. The weather outside is perfect for that, and I feel like being alone and slightly chilly. I don't know if this song depresses me as much of the rest of them- I don't even know for sure what the rest of them were. But if I were going to make one, based only on what MP3's I have right now, I think it would be:

"Champagne High", by Sister Hazel
"Best I Ever Had", by Vertical Horizon
Possibly "River", by Joni Mitchell
Probably "The Freshmen", by the Verve Pipe
Maybe the aforementioned "Hopelessly", by Trane
"Winter" or "Silent All These Years", by Tori Amos
"Wise Up", by Aimee Mann...I think

And, jesus, so many others on this list it would take years to list them. I never realized how entirely into depressing music I am....but it's a lifestyle for me. I embrace the importance of sadness.

I need to go for my walk. No CD player. I could bring the tape player/radio, but with my selection of tapes, I'd basically be at the mercy of the radio to keep my mood where it is.

Do I want to keep my mood where it is? I think so. It's really not the appropriate weather outside to be happy.

"She says that love is for fools that fall behind"
~Fuel, Shimmer

All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again. I had more than one dream last night- another one was that on my way back from New York, with a completely different group of people than I was with, this time including Austin, Greg (but not Greg), a friend of Greg's that doesn't really exist, Lucas M. and Ben we were stopped in Boston- bigger than Boston, but Boston. We were walking around and we saw a group of eight planes overhead and started joking that they were probably terrorists, and how lucky we were to be in a big city where an attack was likely. And then the jokes came true, as they frequently seem to in dreams, and one of the planes dropped a missile which hit this Arch-de-Triumph-like opening to a bridge I was standing under, which we just stood and stared at until I realized it was going to fall on us. We ran and the a piece of the Arch came down about a foot away from my head, and then more things started being hit. At this point I realized Greg's friend was not holding Austin like he had been earlier, and when I asked him about it he said that Lucas had him. A few minutes later, Lucas came up to me, pointed out that Austin was back on the bridge, and commented that I never should have given him to Greg's friend- I ran to get him, and did just before something else hit him. Then I got seperated from everyone else- I got to this train tunnel-like thing, and on the sides of this one train- loaded with Japanese babies and mothers- there were all these things that were holding stickers for specific japanese children- it was the japanese who were attacking us, and the stickers were so they would know which children to spare when they invaded. I desperately tried to grab a sticker for Austin, but couldn't for a while, and then suddenly had one without reason. (At this point I have no idea if the way I'm explaining this makes sense to anyone but me.) After the first train rode away, another disappeared, this time with Americans on it. I managed to get on that one, and found Lucas again, along with Sarah J., mysteriously. I decided the best course of action was to call home and ask them to pick me up in Gloucester, which I did, and they said they'd send Cathy, I think. Luke was upset because he didn't think his parents would come get him, so I offered him a ride, and Sarah as well. We accidentally got off at some other town, however, with this beautiful park that I sat in and worried that they wouldn't be able to find us. From there the dream was a blur until I got home, and began asking everyone if it had really happened, or if it was only a dream. Everyone confirmed that it was real, and I decided that the one thing I needed to do, having survived this horrible thing, was to call Jeremey and tell him I loved him, and hope to make peace.

But I woke up before I did. And when I woke up, I asked myself if it was a dream. When I realized it was, I wasn't relieved as I normally am when a horrible dream ends up being nothing more. Because I didn't have a reason that I could explain anymore, to call him. And I do still love him. Of course.

That whole explannation was spurred on by the "Shimmer" quote. I'm trying to demonstrate that all that shimmers in this world really does fade away again.

I don't really feel like walking anymore. I probably will, anyway.

On with it.